


Scarred Heart

by xxannetxx87



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley Never Happened, M/M, Multi, Not Canon Compliant - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Not Canon Compliant - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Remus Lupin, Pining, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks Never Happened, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:00:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 39,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28408137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxannetxx87/pseuds/xxannetxx87
Summary: I see him for the first time (again), in the train to Hogwarts. Of course I pretend to be asleep and I am glad I decided to. My heart seems to take a break from its only task. The sight is so overwhelming I can hardly breathe. Like a time turner has taken me back to my third trip in this train. It’s as if James just entered the compartment and I want to yell, scream and shout to finally see my best friend. I would hug him so tight, even though James has always been less of a hugger than I am. I don’t care, it’s like the sun appears behind weeks of clouds and rain.  A thousand stories and questions pop up in my head all at once. My heart beats three times faster now, but I am still pretending to be asleep, hiding under this old shabby cloak of mine.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Harry Potter
Kudos: 27





	1. Back on the train

**Author's Note:**

> When reading the books and watching the movies, have you ever felt the chemistry between them? I know I did and I feel compelled to write it. Crazy, because this is my first fanfic ever and not my all time favorite ship. But I desperately wanted to write this and as I got started I feel lost in this world again. You have to bare with me, because English is not my first language and I don't have a Beta. Correct me if you feel like it. 
> 
> The story starts at POA, third year of Hogwarts. Where Remus meets Harry again on the train. I will take the book into account of course but I like to build up to someting else.. and it burns ever so slowly...  
> Maybe this will not be your cup of tea after all, but if there are people interested in the story, I will continue to post. 
> 
> And.. JK Rowling is responsible for all this. She gets the credits. She made the characters I just whirl them up in my fantasy.

I see him for the first time (again), in the train to Hogwarts. Of course I pretend to be asleep and I am glad I decided to. My heart seems to take a break from its only task. The sight is so overwhelming I can hardly breathe. Like a time turner has taken me back to my third trip in this train. It’s as if James just entered the compartment and I want to yell, scream and shout to finally see my best friend. I would hug him so tight, even though James has always been less of a hugger than I am. I don’t care, it’s like the sun appears behind weeks of clouds and rain. A thousand stories and questions pop up in my head all at once. My heart beats three times faster now, but I am still pretending to be asleep, hiding under this old shabby cloak of mine. Merlin what would I give to relive my own trips to Hogwarts one more time. To be with my dear friends and talk about our summers. I would die a happy man right here. With my energy levels at this moment, it feels like I could die right here.

What I look like from the outside doesn’t match with how I feel inside. Right now I am just peeking through my eyelashes as I can’t handle the confrontation with these kids just yet. Because there are three. How will I be able to handle a class full of them? Classes full of them? Right now I can’t even look my best friends son in the eye and I have yet to teach him.

“Who do you reckon he is?” I hear one of the three whisper. “Professor R.J. Lupin” whispers another, the only girl of the trio.

“How do you know that?!” hisses the other boy again, with red hair I notice through the lashes of my heavy eyelids. I have to control myself from laughing as the girl answers. She sounds too smart for her own good.

My heart feels more at peace because of their mutterings and whispers. I feel myself falling asleep and vaguely hear a whistle and someone whisper about Sirius Black. What has he done now? It sounds like Sirius has pranked a Sneakoscope which will be up to no good. But I am so tired I can’t be bothered. The transformation this month has cost me and it feels like my body ages a year every time. My joints ache, and the muscles in my shoulders are so tight I feel them cramping up in my neck and towards my head. Sleep takes over and I dream about James, walking proudly through the corridors of Hogwarts. I run towards him to finally great him, it has been such a long time and I’ve missed him so much! I touch his shoulder and he turns around. Lily’s eyes stare back at me, they pierce through my heart and soul. All my sins float back to the surface and I am suddenly wide awake.

What the hell am I doing accepting a job as a teacher? I’ve betrayed and hurt so many people with my special needs. It’s not a furry little problem anymore. I thought it was when James and Sirius called it that. I remember the relieve I felt to finally have friends that accepted me for all of what I am. After that I started to believe them too. That I only have monthly problem and not to make a big deal out of it. As Sirius said: “Girls cope with it just fine!” How I believed him for a few weeks. Sirius…. What on earth happened to you?

I realize that not only my dream woke me up. The train stopped and the lights are out.

“Ouch! Ron that was my foot!” I see the redhead looking through the window.

“There’s something moving out there. I think people are coming aboard” He says.

Headmaster Dumbledore warned me about Dementors guarding the school in his last letter, but could it be possible for them to enter the train? I can’t imagine he allows that to happen as I got an extensive explanation about why he is so disgusted by the creatures. While pondering the situation two more students enter the cabin with a lot of hustle. Through all of the muttering I can’t hear if the new passengers are in fact dementors.

“Quiet!” Even though my voice hasn’t recovered fully, at least I got their attention. Some light in a dark situation can be useful, especially if I don’t want these students tripping over their cats and toads. I conjure some flames in my hand and decide to find my way to the driver to see what’s going on.

Before I reach the door I find myself eye to mouth with a cloaked Dementor. A grey, glistening, bony hand protrudes from the cloak and the Dementor turns towards Harry. Who in turn slips of his seat to the floor of the cabin. I quickly pull my wand out of my cloak and think of my best friend. I can still feel the rush through my veins that I felt when I thought James entered this very cabin.

“Expecto Patronum” I say calmly and a white smoky mist appears from my wand. I know the memory, or feeling, is not enough for a full Patronus to form. Exactly enough, because others don't need to see it. I also know it’s the best I have right now and seeing James was the best feeling I’ve had in a very long while.

Behind me I hear Ron slapping Harry in the face and I sit down. It’s not exactly how I would handle the situation, but the more I think of it maybe it is. Sirius could’ve used it more than once a day when we were at Hogwarts. His eyes were everywhere, except where they supposed to be. I honestly don’t know a girl that didn’t blush under Sirius’ gaze. Even Lily fell for it at the start.

Harry opens his eyes and it feels like they pierce my heart yet again. Definitely Lily’s eyes, but yet a deeper green and way more intense. He puts his glasses back on which takes a bit away from the intensity and I am able to focus on the conversation.

“What happened? Where’s that, that thing? Who screamed?”

“No one screamed.” Says Ron, I see him staring at Harry and I see he’s worried.

Well I guess my chocolate addiction comes in handy at rare situations. Dumbledores letter was a great excuse to buy myself some more. Though I didn’t think the stuff would already be of use in the train. I snap the bar in pieces and smile when all the students jump.

“Here.” I give Harry a large piece. “Eat it. It’ll help.”

Those green eyes stare at me, but he doesn’t eat the chocolate. “What was that thing?” He asks me.

“A Dementor” I answer and start to give the other students some chocolate to avoid these eyes for a moment. “One of the dementors of Azkaban.”

I feel all their eyes on me and I know I have to get used to this. But for now I need some air. The wrapper disappears in my pocket. “I need to speak to the driver, excuse me.” Once I am through the corridor I can finally breathe. My hands are shaking and it has nothing to do with the Dementor. I am not sure if I made the right decision by going back to teach at Hogwarts. Even getting there seems to be an adventure. But I knew this beforehand, didn’t I?


	2. Furry little problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! Let's hope we all feel better than Remus Lupin does and let's keep it that way. xoxox

I tried not make a big deal of teaching Harry Potter at Hogwarts. It was all so simple in my own head. But now.. These emotions are floating up, memories of James, Sirius and Peter. I didn’t realise how much I missed them. Missed Hogwarts, missed the adventures, the train, my friends. I kept it at bay and hidden in an inner drawer of my being. Like the werewolf I am. By seeing Harry my whole closet opened. He’s so much like James! But at the same time he is so different. His eyes are like an open book. Just now he showed his fears so openly. There was no hiding under a layer of arrogance or jokes. He has my curiosity piqued as to who he is and what he will become. I hope I’ll have a chance to get to know him, help him perhaps. It looks like he can use some help by seeing the effects of that Dementor.

After speaking to the driver I am still shaking, but I don’t know why. I decide to go back to the cabin. There’s no way I can avoid it any longer.

I open the door and am surprised that Harry still has the chocolate in his hand. Well, good thing I went to see the driver, because it would’ve been long gone by now. I almost lick my own lips.

“I haven’t poisoned that chocolate, you know..”

Harry takes a bite and I feel something squirm inside, better to look away. I take a look at Ron who seems a bit calmer and the girl looks at me with approving eyes. A bit of colour appears on Harry’s cheeks. He still has that open look on his face. Questioning almost. He’s still such an innocent, young boy even though he’s been through so much already. I can’t imagine how to deal with the sorrow of defeating Voldemort, a murdering predator on the loose and the expectation of the wizarding world to deal with it all like a bloody hero. All that at the age of thirteen.

“We’ll be at Hogwarts in ten minutes. Are you alright Harry?”

Harry looks at me, surprised. “Fine.” He says.

When the train finally stops I look at the castle. A warm feeling grows inside of me and suddenly I feel like I am almost home. Good and bad memories fill me as I step into a carriage (luckily no one joins me). How the four of us planned our first pranks for the welcoming feast in these carriages and how Sirius and James thought of ways to prank a skinny boy with long black hair and second hand clothes. Severus Snape. Guilt and regret fill me because I wasn’t brave enough to stand up to them. I wanted these boys to be my friends so badly and I was scared they would reject me even before they knew of my ‘condition’. Nothing like a Gryffindor at all. Though I admit I definitely felt for Severus at the time. He was an awkward boy with greasy hair and seemed not to be interested in making friends. At least that is what James told me from how he behaved on the train.

But who am I now? I can’t afford new clothes and because of my monthly little problem I have to find myself second hand ones after each transformation. Most of them are way larger than my actual size and they still rip apart every month. Sewing them back together is my only option, but that spell is definitely one of my weaker ones. As I see my own reflection in the window of the carriage I look like I could use a good shower myself, talking about greasy. The awkward package is complete with these scars in my face, not to mention all over my body. The Headmaster has no idea of how tired I am and sometimes it feels like I must be older than that genius wizard himself. He definitely has more energy it seems. Those transformations suck the life out of me. They take all my reserves. That’s why I keep my chocolate on me, even though it’s bad for me. They give me tiny little boosts of energy to give people a smile every now and then.

Well right now, these issues are the least of my problems. As long as I make sure I can teach these kids, I might have a job I love and make some money to fix a few of these ‘minor issues’.

As I step out of the carriage I hear Ron in another tone of voice then from what I’ve heard in the train.

“Shove off, Malfoy.”

Malfoy? Well that would be an interesting mix of students indeed. I take few steps closer and see a spitting image of Lucius Malfoy with shorter hair. But the same posture and expression as our beloved Death Eater. Time turner indeed, what year is this again? I almost start laughing when I see the facial expressions young Malfoy makes. Did he practise those in the mirror together with Lucius?

“Is there a problem?” I ask.

The Malfoy boy looks at me from top to bottom and answers sarcasticly and emphasises the word ‘Professor’. This job gets more and more interesting by the minute I must say. But young Malfoy and the trio head to the stairs where professor McGonagall starts talking with the clever girl. Well time has had its toll, not only on me. The stern professor wears a worried look on her face and that certainly gave her more wrinkles. But this head of Gryffindor house is the best I can think of and I know there's a kind heart filled with a spark of good humour lying beneath this stern look.

Again I try my best not to laugh as I see Mr. Filch approach me. That man looks even more wicked if possible. He has a furious, twisted look in his eyes.

“Good evening Mr. Filch.” I smile at the funny old man and wonder if he still wears underwear with pink hearts on them. Don’t ask me how I know that… but it’s hard to keep my face in check at the best of times.

“Mr. Lupin, I didn’t expect you to be able to become a teacher. I hope you’ve had an extra course in growing up before the Headmaster accepted you. I should tell you that your chambers can be found on the third floor next to the painting of ‘The Warlocks hairy heart’. Give it three strokes to open your door and you’ll find your belongings already inside. 

‘Good to see you too.’ I think to myself. But I realize I’ve caused him way more stress than he can handle and I’ll have to prove myself to be a decent teacher. I wonder if he ever figured out the Marauders Map or if it’s still in his office.

As I walk the familiar corridors of Hogwarts I admire the all of the paintings. Some of them greet me warmly and as I get near my chambers, almost half an hour has passed. The welcoming feast will start soon and I desperately need to wash up a bit.

A bit? When I look into the mirror above the sink there is nothing that will fix these scars in my face and the tired haunted look. It’s hard to explain what the wolf in me does to my body, especially when I am on my own during a transformation. It’s getting worse as I’m aging. In my days at Hogwarts I loved to play Quidditch as much as James did (and Sirius loved to watch together with ‘our female Gryffindor fans’). As soon as we started taking our training a bit more seriously, James started to gain muscle quite rapidly. Due to my transformations I started losing my strength even more and now, if I gain anything at all, it’s just a tiny bit of fluff on my midsection. Maybe that comes free with aging. I don’t know exactly what kind of things I do during my monthly adventures nowadays, because my friends aren’t there to tell me afterwards. But I only know that since I lost James, Sirius and Peter my wolf side takes more and more from me. I am unable to lock myself up as I was used to, because I'll destroy everything surrounding me. Next to that I am back to hurting myself in the process. 

“You could use some trimming, mister” The mirror tells me.

“I could use a lot more if I don’t want to scare the children away.”

“Now don’t be so hard on yourself and show me your smile. That will keep the children at their seats.”

I give the mirror a stupid little grin as I turn around. My rooms are not very large, as I requested. I don’t want to have to walk many steps to my bed or the bathroom. It seems Albus has made a real effort to take my wishes into account. This living area is bigger than I imagined, but it also has a sleeping area in the corner. A bed slightly larger than a single with a side table next to it. There’s a curtain to close that area if I want to. If I wake up I only need to take three steps and I find myself a sink against the wall, with the annoying mirror. A typical quirky detail the Headmaster must be fond of. The middle of the room is decorated with a round wooden table and four chairs surrounding it. It’s covered by a knitted cloth and a vase of purple flowers. An open arch in the corner show a small kitchenette and there’s only one door that probably leads to a bathroom. The whole area looks very cosy with bright colours, clearly decorated by the Headmaster. Shelves cover the parts of the wall above a couch, placed a few steps next to the sink. The wall across from it has two big windows which look over the grounds and the Quidditch pitch. Hopefully I can return to my chambers soon, because I feel completely drained. How I'll be able to get back here after the feast is something I rather not think about.

The feast passes me in a blur, I mostly think of sitting at the Gryffindor table myself with my friends when I was younger and admiring the teachers at the head table. Who would’ve thought I’d sit here myself one day? Certainly not me. I see Harry and his friends. Harry seems to be looking better already and I am glad to see him smile.

Suddenly no one but Severus Snape enters the great hall. Of course I recognise the man immediately. He literally strides through the hall with his ropes billowing behind him, impressive.. Like he owns the place. I guess I’ve been away for too long to see what happened here. As he takes his place at the head table he suddenly looks at me with the most menacing scowl. Scares me a little to be honest. Apparently, his attitude since the last years in Hogwarts developed. Luckily I don’t have the energy to even lift my eyebrows at him. I remember the way he used to glare, but he seems to have perfected the skill and practised to save his worst for me. Not that I can blame him. I almost killed the man, even when I wasn’t aware. Who knows maybe I am still his worst nightmare.

Meanwhile Headmaster Dumbledore started his welcoming speech but I guess I missed half of it already. I have to admire the man. There’s a powerful aura beaming around him and it feels like he shares his positive energy with the entire hall during his words. Even though he’s talking about the Dementors now.

“As you will all be aware after their search of the Hogwarts Express, our school is presently playing host to some of the Dementors of Azkaban, who are here on Ministry of Magic business. They are stationed at every entrance to the grounds. While they are with us, I must make it plain that nobody is to leave the school without permission. Dementors are not to be fooled by tricks or disguises.. or even Invisibility Cloaks.”

My eye catches a look Harry and Ron share with each other after this sentence. Could it be? This is certainly not a coincidence. Is it possible that Harry somehow has found the Cloak James used to have? I try to look carefully at his facial expressions and what they are whispering. But his eyes find mine and he just gives me a tiny smile. His green eyes are shining from the other end of the great hall. Do I detect that mischievous glint that James used to have? Or is it all my own imagination? If he has the Cloak I have to be extra careful in conversations. I remember all too well the times James used to hide in himself in the staff room under the very same Cloak.

Suddenly there is an applause and I realise it is for me as I am the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. After the welcoming feast it feels like the way back to my chambers is a never ending story of corridors, but that could also be, because I took a wrong turn somewhere. Merlin how I miss that map and the memory I used to have. It’s been a long while since I wandered through these corridors, but somehow the memories of my own schooldays seem to be only yesterday. How did I forget my way so quickly in here?

“Well, well, well, Mr Lupin.” I don’t need to turn around to know who’s slow, silky voice that is, but I don’t want to start this off disrespectful.

“Severus, it’s been a while.”

“Pity that it had to be so soon. I suggest that you keep your tail down, because let me warn you that I keep an eye on every Defence teacher here. The last few ended up to be a disappointment, but I am afraid that this year it is already a disappointment on day one.”

“Could we not leave the past where it belongs and start over, Severus?”

“Do you mean to ask if I forgive you for nearly killing me? Or forget that you always just stood by and watched your little friends torture me? Where are they now when you need them.. Moony? Don’t you need to go and run after them? Like you always did? Or are you scared this time?”

“Not scared enough to join the Dark Side, I must say.” Quickly I turn around, before my anger gets the better of me. I can’t let it take over and certainly not as a teacher. Certainly not on my first day. ‘At least I tried to be civil’ I think to myself.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My first day teaching at Hogwarts is surprisingly successful, though it was difficult to first teach a group of first years and right after that a group of seventh years. Though I was able to teach the seventh years a few little spells in duelling that helped me immensely in my younger days. It did look like they were somewhat impressed. 

At dinner I sit next to Professor McGonagall and Professor Sprout.

“How was your first day back at Hogwarts Remus?” Professor McGonagall asks me.

“I have to say I expected the day to be worse, but I managed quite well if I say so myself. Thank you Professor.”

“Remus, no doubt you are an excellent teacher, I always thought the job would suit you. Please call me Minerva now. Have you got everything you need for your lessons?”

Now I come to think of it..

“Well I could use some help with finding magical creatures for my lessons, I don’t want to just take the theoretical route.” I answer.

“Is there anything about Boggarts in your lesson plan, Remus? I know there are two of them right now in the castle. One of them is in my office at the moment.” Professor Sprout offers.

“That would make a very interesting lesson, Remus. We seem to have those daily now, don’t we Pomona?” Professor Sprout starts giggling, which in turn makes me need to hold my laughter.

“How so?” I promised myself not to get involved in the schools gossip, but it seems I can’t help myself.

“Mr. Potter has received a death prediction from our dear Professor Trelawny today and Mr. Malfoy has been attacked by Hagrid’s Hippogriff. But next to that I am very proud to say that we also have ourselves a student that decided to take all the third year classes available and I can’t remember the last time that occured at Hogwarts!”

I’m inwardly smiling because of the Malfoy brat, but I’m sure this will have consequences for Hagrid who just started teaching this year. Or worse, started teaching his first class.

“I’ll bet the headmaster receives an owl from Lucius tomorrow demanding Hagrid’s removal from the school. His son doesn’t seem to be much different from Lucius himself. But I do wonder how a student is able to follow all the lessons at Hogwarts?”

“Miss Hermione Granger has been given a time turner by the Ministry this year to be able to follow the whole curriculum. Albus has trusted her with this device, but it would be great risk in the hands of other students. So please keep this to yourself, Remus.”

“Hermione, Harry Potters friend?”

“Yes, indeed Remus. You seem to have picked up on our students very quickly.” Minerva grins.

“I hope Hermione will be able to keep the Time turner to herself only, Minerva. If not, I am afraid we will all be in big trouble.” I answer. A time turner and a Invisibility Cloak, this will be an eventful year indeed. I really must keep a close eye on Harry.

“Remus if you could come by my office in fifteen minutes we can get you that Boggart for your lessons.” Professor Sprout wakes me up from my thoughts.

“Thank you very much, Professor. I will be there.”

“Please call me Pomona, you’re a colleague now Remus and I already consider you a friend.” She smiles warmly. I smile back at the warm welcome and nod to her for lack of better things to say. Apart from Severus Snape I feel very welcome at Hogwarts by students and staff so far.

I look around the hall and see young Malfoy in his bandage and can’t help but smile at the act. Madame Pomfrey would have healed him in a split second if anything was amiss. Harry caught me looking at the scene and I roll my eyes towards the Malfoy boy. I guess now he knows not only students see through Malfoys games. I have to find a way to show Harry that I’ll be seeing through his games as well. If only I could find the Map, I could keep a close eye on him.

After I return from Pomona’s office I slowly walk to my chambers and see one of my first years standing in front of my door.

“Good evening professor Lupin, Headmaster has asked for you to meet him in his office and to give you this note.”

“Thank you, Thomas” And he runs off. I look at the note, which says: ‘Jawbreaker.’ I can’t help but think that Dumbledore somehow finds it amusing to have a Werewolf back at Hogwarts.

After I placed the Boggart in the staff room wardrobe I stroll towards the Headmasters office. My energy is gone for today and I wonder if this will ever improve. Not knowing I will receive an answer to that within in the next fifteen minutes. I ponder how other teachers manage to have a private life outside of Hogwarts. But do they have a private life? Maybe I can ask Pomona when I see her again.

“Jawbreaker” I mutter towards the gargoyle. The spiral staircase reveals itself. “My head feels like a Jawbreaker.” I say to myself.

“Then quit the firewhiskey.” The gargoyle answers. I jump from the unexpected answer and throw him a glare which he can’t see.

“Firewhiskey, I haven’t had that in ages. Even though I might look like a big fan.” I answer more to myself then at the statue. I start to get chagrined from my own tiredness. I hope this won’t take too long.

“What did you say, Remus?” Dumbledore stands there smiling in the door opening at the top of the stairs and waves me inside.

“Oh, hello Headmaster. Good to see you sir!”

“Remus, you should call me Albus, I would be very uncomfortable if you were the only teacher who doesn’t.” He smiles and points towards the chair opposite his desk.

“Welcome back to Hogwarts. Would you care for some tea? Or something a tad stronger, firewhiskey perhaps? It is after hours.” His eyes are glittering with humour.

I smile a small smile because frankly I don’t have the energy for a bigger version at the moment.

“No thank you, Albus. I don’t think I can handle the aftermath.”

“Indeed. I couldn’t help but notice that you must be very tired Remus. I might be wrong, but you seem to have lost the energy you used to have in your Hogwarts days. But.. I’ve read about a way to fix this issue.” Dumbledore sits and pours himself some tea.

“What do you mean, sir?”

“Albus..” Dumbledore gives me a stern look, but with a twinkle in his eyes.

“Yes sir, sorry I have to get used to that.” I smile a bit, but it still feels like I'm a student sitting in front of the Headmaster, because I’ve been caught at one of our pranks.

“We’ll get there.. Now on to business because you have to get a good night’s sleep after your first day. I hope it was a good one?”

“Yes Albus, it feels wonderful to be back. It feels like I am finally home. Though all my old memories resurface as well.”

“I can only imagine, dear boy. Speaking of memories, have you followed the news on your former friend Mr. Black?” I feel myself tense and a blush rushes to my cheeks. I am embarrassed that Sirius turned out to be a murderer. I still have a hard time believing it.

“I am aware of his escape from Azkaban, though I must say I am surprised why he’s escaped now.”

“What do you mean by ‘escaped now’, Remus?” Dumbledore looks me straight in the eye and arches his eyebrow. Note to self: never have another meeting with Albus Dumbledore when feeling tired. I should watch my tongue. I have abused this man’s trust more than enough already. Yes I should tell him that Sirius is an Animagus next to a murderer, but what does that say about my own years at this school? I got the opportunity to attend Hogwarts because Dumbledore became Headmaster. He arranged the placement of the Whomping Willow with the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack. All for me to be able to go to Hogwarts. I remember how lucky I felt, because Headmaster Dippet would’ve never allowed me to go. I’d rather drown myself into the Black Lake, then telling him about it now.

“Well after twelve years it would seem only more difficult to escape a place like that. So I’ve been thinking about the timing.” Because if he did it by turning into his dog form, then he could’ve done it a lot sooner, couldn’t he?

“Good point, Remus. Sirius must have been at wit’s end. Apparently Sirius has been seen today, by a muggle close to Hogsmeade.” Well luckily I got myself out of my own mistake just now.. But the giant potato that has formed itself in my throat is still there.

Dumbledores stare is penetrating and I have to look away. Maybe Sirius recalls his way in to Hogwarts better than I do. Maybe he remembers the Marauders Map better than I do. Merlin that Map might be lying around in the school somewhere. Well, if Dumbledore finds out all of the things I have done and that all this is caused by me, I can certainly pack my trunk after that. I don’t want to disappoint this man again, by all means I want to try to set things right. I owe him so much. I couldn’t face him ever again if this all blows up.

“This was in today’s news?” I ask.

“Yes, the news came with the Daily Prophet this morning. So I fear that our young Harry will have another stressful year here at school. That’s why I would like you to keep an extra eye on him, if you can. It is unclear how much he knows about Sirius and how he feels about any news regarding him.”

“Of course, Albus.” I can’t help but smile at the thought of Harry.

“I met Harry in the train to Hogwarts, it was like James walked into the cabin.” I add.

“Yes, yes, our Harry looks exactly like James, and he inherited his lack of rules too. Though I daresay he has a kind of modesty about him that resembles Lily more than James. Next to being the best seeker we’ve seen at Hogwarts, you’ll find him a caring and intriguing student. I think you’ll get on just fine.” Dumbledore smiles and takes another sip of his tea.

If quidditch makes Harry feel the way James did, I hope he’s able to fly a lot. With all that’s happening, he deserves something that he truly enjoys.

“There is one last little problem I would like to tackle with you, Remus. Do you have a plan to cope with your monthly problem?” It seems Dumbledore doesn’t want to let the grass grow over my wolf side.

“Yes I thought I could handle it the same way as I did when I was younger, to transform in the Shrieking Shack.”

“Remus I am afraid that there will be a risk of running into the same problems as we did then? Don’t you think?” He must be referring to our incident with Severus, by the look on his face. Again I feel a blush creep up my face.

“Have you ever tried the Wolfsbane potion?” He asks.

“I’ve heard of the potion, it’s very difficult to brew. Only a few wizards and witches are able to brew it and they don’t do bargains. The ingredients are very rare and expensive. So no.. I haven’t tried it.”

“Well, I have arranged for you that you will be able to drink the Wolfsbane potion every month if you want to. You’ll need to start drinking the potion on the first day of the full moon. Your transformation will take less of your reserves and you’ll recover more quickly. Only if you agree to it of course.”

“But Albus, the costs..”

“Are completely covered by the Hogwarts funds. Every teacher has his or her own needs we provide for, so that we can keep our staff happy and healthy. Next to that I am convinced that nowadays we have the best Potions Master available and he happens to be a teacher here. I already spoke to him and Severus will provide for your monthly dose.” Albus reads my thoughts like a book it seems, and after a moment of silence he adds in a softer voice: “I trust Severus completely.”

“Albus I don’t know what to say..” I whisper.

“Just let me know tomorrow when your first dose should be ready and everything will improve from there. Madam Pomfrey is aware of your condition, as you know. If you experience any trouble you are very welcome in the Hospital Wing. Apparently the Wolfsbane potion will help you transform to a werewolf but instead of ‘running wild’ you’ll be able to lock your door beforehand and transform in your sleep.”

“That would be a dream come true. I don’t know what I can do to thank you.”

“We’ll see how it works out for you. But it would certainly give me some kind of peace if I know that you’ll keep an eye on Harry, Remus. But please remember that he is your student and not one of your old friends.” Dumbledore gives me a wink.

“I hope you’ll be able to enjoy your time and energy here at Hogwarts with these measurements.” Dumbledore adds and smiles with his little twinkle in his eyes. Then he bids my good night and I leave his office.

Completely overwhelmed I stand and start my way to my chambers. If that potion really works the way Dumbledore describes, I almost can’t wait to experience the next full moon. Just to see what kind of aftermath I’ll be getting. But Snape brewing the potion is another story. Why would he? Would he mess with the potion? The Headmaster trusts Snape completely, is that enough for me? Well I trust Dumbledore with my life, so that means my life is now in the hands of Snape as well. How ironic.


	3. Wolfsbane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter!

Finally I get to my chambers at ten o’clock and pass out on my bed like I’ve taken a sleeping potion. Luckily my first lesson tomorrow starts in the afternoon with the third years, when I’ll put my Boggart to the test.

When I wake the next morning I feel rested, I take a moment to enjoy this feeling I haven’t had in years and savour it for a moment. Then I realize the sun is shining brightly through my window and there are some distant voices in the corridor. What is the time anyway? I cast tempus and realize I have only twenty minutes until my class starts. Adrenaline kicks in and I jump from my bed and almost trip over my own boots. Someone took them off, while I was unconscious apparently. Quickly I get in the bathroom and take cold shower so I am finally fully awake. What a start.. After that I call a house elf to bring me some coffee and I fetch a piece of chocolate from my trunk. As I am chewing I risk a look in the mirror.

“You can use a few more of these nights, mister. I advise you to take a good trim and make use of that splendid bath you have in there.”

“Well, I must say your hints get less subtle each day.”

The mirror sighs and murmurs something about taking an effort every day is worth the time.

Meanwhile I gulp my coffee down and find something to wear. My wardrobe is not even worth unpacking from my trunk and I take a vow to buy new clothes from my first salary. Or at least some small part of it. If my transformations will turn out to be how Dumbledore describes them, I can have an actual wardrobe one day. That would be a nice change. Oh Merlin, I have three minutes to get to my class. I take a glance at the names listed for the students that I’ll be teaching. It includes Harry, Ron and Hermione. This will be an exciting day!

To my astonishment the class is already sitting at their desks with books, quills and parchment ready. Well this will be a nice surprise for them.

“Good afternoon. Would you please put all your books back in your bags, you will only need your wands.” I see their eyes light up immediately and give myself a small smile.

“Right then, if you’d follow me.”

The class starts to mutter a bit and follows me through the corridor. When we round the corner, the first thing we encounter is Peeves. He is busying himself with putting chewing gum in the keyhole from the nearest door. As soon as I get close, Peeves starts singing.

“Loony, loopy, Lupin, Loony, loopy, Lupin!”

The class grows even more silent now than before and I realise I have to show some patience instead of immediately getting to a defensive action. It is the adult thing to do, especially as I am a teacher now. But in my head I picture what I would do if was standing here with James, Sirius and Peter. I smile at Peeves.

“I’d take that gum out of the keyhole, If I were you Peeves. Mr. Filch won’t be able to get in to his brooms.” Oh If I only knew then that the crazy caretaker is a squib..

Peeves blows a loud, wet raspberry and my patience has flown out of the first best window. I explain my students the use of the spell ‘Waddiwasi’ and they all watch how the gum from the keyhole shoots right in Peeves’ nostril.

“Cool sir!” says Dean Thomas. Thanks to creating the Marauders Map I am very good with names. Even though my memory has deteriorated a bit, I remember them very quickly.

I thank Dean and offer my class to proceed to the staff room. As I usher them inside I see Snape sitting there with a sneer on his face, watching the students.

That man is too curious for his own good. He used to be too curious about things as a student. Mystery appeals to him and I bet you that is why he got into the Dark Arts and why came into the tunnel while I was transformed. It’s alright, I don’t care about him being nosy anymore. He can watch if he wants to. As I want to close the door Snape stands up.

“Leave it open, Lupin. I’d rather not watch this.” And before he walks out, he turns back around.

“Possibly no one’s warned you, Lupin, but this class contains Neville Longbottom. I would advise you not to entrust him with anything difficult. Not unless miss Granger is hissing instructions in his ear.”

I see Neville turning red and hold in my laugh as I see Harry glaring back at Snape. It feels like I have Hermione’s Time turner in my possession again. The look on Harry’s face is a spitting image of James. It seems that those two like each as much as James and Snape did, years ago. 

“I was hoping Neville would assist me with the first stage of the operation and I am sure he will perform it admirably.” At that Neville seems to want to shrink. But Harry’s face lights up immediately and he gives me an approving nod.

I give him a smile and have to resist to say anything about their potions professor after Snape snaps the door closed. How can this man possibly be a teacher if you take to bullying your own students? Let’s just continue with the lesson and try not to think about it. I walk towards the wardrobe where the Boggart is locked in.

“Now then. There’s nothing to worry about.” I say, as the wardrobe is wobbling next to me and I see a few students jump.

“There’s a Boggart in this wardrobe. They like dark enclosed spaces. Spaces beneath beds, cupboards and I once met one that was hiding in a grandfather clock.” I try to not think about who’s clock this was and what the boggart turned into when Harry’s grandfather opened the clock.

“So, the first question we must ask ourselves is, what is a Boggart?”

Immediately Hermione’s hand shoots in the air. I nod towards her.

“It’s a shape shifter, it can take the shape of whatever it thinks will frighten us most.” I smile at her.

“I couldn’t have put it better myself!”

“So as the Boggart is hanging out comfortably in this wardrobe it has not yet assumed a form. He does not know what will frighten the person on the other side of the door. Nobody knows what a Boggart looks like when he is alone. When I let him out, he will immediately become whatever each of us most fears. This means we have a huge advantage over the Boggart before we begin.”

I look around my class and see Harry staring at me. I smile at him.

“Harry, have you spotted what the advantage is?”

Next to him Hermione is almost jumping up and down. I decide to ignore her and wait for Harry’s answer.

“Ehm, because there are so many of us, it won’t know what shape it should be?”

“Precisely! Therefore it is always best to have company when you are dealing with a Boggart. It will confuse him and wants to turn into multiple shapes at the same time. The charm that repels a Boggart is simple, yet it requires force of mind. You see, the thing that really finishes a Boggart is laughter. You need to force it into a shape that you find amusing.”

I suddenly remember the time Harry was born and I was visiting the Potters. James claimed he had a Boggart in the kitchen. His Boggart at school used to be a snitch he couldn’t catch or his broom splitting into two pieces. But then it changed into little baby Harry not opening his eyes. I realised then how much James has changed since having his son. Apparently James realised this himself as he was so shaken, he couldn’t get rid of the thing. It was a scary sight indeed. My Boggart has always been the same silvery full moon…

“We will practise the charm without wands first. After me, please.. Riddikulus!”

“Riddikulus!” the class said together.

“Very good, but that was the easy part. I’m afraid that the word is not enough. This is where you come in Neville.”

Neville is shaking even more than the wardrobe is, but he walks forward anyway.

“Right Neville. First things first: what would you say is the thing that frightens you most in the world?”

Neville’s lips move, but no sound comes out.

“Didn’t catch that, Neville, sorry?”

“Professor Snape.” He whispers.

The whole class starts laughing and even Neville has a little grin on his face.

This is a temptation I cannot resist, if I would, James would turn in his grave. I don’t care that Snape will probably hear about this before dinner. The beauty of this situation is just too good to be true.

“Professor Snape.. hmm.. Neville, I believe you live with your grandmother?” Of course he does, but I have to pretend I don’t know for sure. I really don’t want to give anyone a reason to find out about the story of the Longbottoms. That story is only for Neville to tell, if he ever wants to.

“Er, yes… but I don’t want the Boggart to turn into her either!”

“Hah! No, no, you misunderstand me.” I give the boy a reassuring smile, because he starts to look like he’s going to wet himself any moment.

“I wonder, could you tell us what sort of clothes your grandmother usually wears?”

“Well always the same hat. A tall one with a stuffed vulture on top. And a long dress.. green, normally. Sometimes a fox fur scarf as well.”

“And a handbag?” I ask him innocently, because Merlin this will be priceless!

“A big red one.” Neville says.

“Right then. Can you picture those clothes very clearly, Neville? Can you see them in your mind’s eye?”

“Yes.” Neville says in an uncertain tone.

“When the Boggart bursts out of this wardrobe, Neville, and sees you, it will assume the form of Professor Snape. Then you will raise your wand and cry ‘Riddikulus’. With that you will concentrate hard on your grandmothers clothes. If all goes well, professor Boggart Snape will be forced into that vulture topped hat, green dress and the big red handbag.”

The whole class starts laughing hard and the wardrobe starts wobbling again.

“If Neville is successful, the Boggart is likely to turn his attention to each of us in turn. So I would like all of you to take a moment now to think of the thing that scares you most, and imagine how you might force it to look comical.”

The room goes quiet and I suddenly realise that I have to prevent that Boggart to come near Harry. What if it turns into Lord Voldemort? I’ll be the one to blame for bringing trauma to the whole class. I guess I’ll just have to jump in and show everyone my moon. Hopefully I can prevent this from happening.. and hopefully the class won’t recognise it if I am quick..

“Everyone ready? Neville we’re going to back away.” I say when I walk past him.

“I’ll let you have a clear field all right? I’ll call the next person forward.. everyone back, now, so Neville can get a clear shot.”

The students are backing up against the walls so Neville stands alone beside the wardrobe. I almost take pity on him, because he looks so pale and frightened. But then he pushes up his sleeves and holds his wand at the ready.

“On the count of three, Neville. One… two…. three, now!”

The wardrobe bursts open and Professor Snape steps out. Hooked nosed and menacing. His eyes are flashing at Neville. I can’t hold in a smile and pray that Neville succeeds.

Neville backs away with his wand up, mouthing without words. Snape strides towards him and is reaching inside his robes.

“R-r-riddikulus!” Neville cries. A noise like a whip crack sounds.

Snape stumbles and next he is wearing a long, lace trimmed dress with a towering hat topped with a moth-eaten vulture. A huge red handbag is swinging from his hand. The class is laughing so hard, some of the students can’t stay on their feet. I turn and see Harry whiping tears of laughter from his cheeks and Ron giving me a huge grin.

“Parvati! Forward!” I yell. Parvati walks forward and Snape turns towards her. After a loud crack the Boggart has turned into a blood stained, bandaged mummy with a sightless face. It drags his feet towards her, very slowly…

“Riddikulus!” She yells.

A bandage unravels at the mummy’s feet and it becomes entangled. It falls to the ground face forward and its head rolled off.

“Seamus!” I yell.

Seamus makes a spin around Parvati and after the next crack, the mummy changed into a woman with floor long black hair and a skeletal, green tinged face. A banshee. She opens her mouth wide and an unearthly sound filled the room. A long wailing shriek. Most of the students have a terrified look on their face.

“Riddikulus!” The banshee made a rasping noise and clutched her throat: her voice is gone.

After that, the Boggart cracks multiple times back to back and takes on different shapes.

“It’s getting confused! We’re getting there! I yell with enthusiasm, because hell this show is great indeed.

“Dean, go!”

Crack! A severed hand creeps towards him like a crab.

“Riddikulus!” Dean yells.

Another crack and the hand is stuck in a mousetrap.

“Excellent! Ron! You next!”

Ron walks forward. Crack! Some of the girls scream. A giant hairy spider advances Ron while it’s clicking its pincers menacingly. Ron seems frozen and in the corner of my eye I see Harry pulling out his wand and stepping forward.

“Riddikulus!” Ron shouts.

The legs of the spider vanish and it’s body is rolling over the ground. It comes to a halt at Harry’s feet. He raises his wand, but I waste no split second and run forward. 

“Here!” I yell.

Crack! Well there you have it. I sigh.

“Riddikulus!” I cry quickly.

A balloon appears and it flutters around.

“Forward Neville, finish him off!”

Crack! Snape appears again and now Neville strides forward with confidence, looking determined.

“Riddikulus!” he yells. Snape turns into the clothes of Neville’s grandmother for a split second and Neville laughs at him with a big ‘Ha!’

The Boggart explodes and bursts into a thousand tiny wisps of smoke. Gone.

“Excellent! I yell.

“Well done Neville!" I stand beside him and whisper in his ear: "Keep the image in of professor Snape in these clothes in your mind before you start every potions lesson, alright?”

Neville smiles and nods.

“Now, let me see.. five points to Gryffindor for every person to tackle the Boggart, ten for Neville because he did it twice and five each to Hermione and Harry.”

“But I didn’t do anything.” Harry says and gives me a bit of a scowl. It’s a cute look on him, I give him that.

“You and Hermione answered my questions correctly at the start of the class, Harry.” I smile and turn to the rest of the class.

“Very well everyone, an excellent lesson. Homework, kindly read the chapter on Boggarts and summarise it for me.. to be handed in on Monday. That will be all!”

The class leaves the staff room, talking excitedly. Although Harry seems quiet compared to the rest of the bunch. I guess he hasn’t got a clue why I couldn’t let him face the Boggart. When I get the chance I will explain it to him. But maybe he figures it out himself. He is not the kind of student that leaves his homework for what it is. Not like James and Sirius.

I decide to go to Diagon Alley this weekend to see if I can get me some more creatures for the coming lessons.

By Friday, I feel completely knackered. I decide to take my mirror’s advice and enjoy a long hot bath after dinner. I forgot what a bath can do for a sore and painful body. Finally I feel some muscles relax and I seem to be able to even breathe better because of it. It must’ve been years since I have taken a bath. I can’t remember the last time.

Afterwards I tend to my facial hair the muggle way. Because eventually, it isthe best way. Even though it seems to grow back three times as fast, compared to other wizards. Must be a werewolf thing. I allow myself some hot coco before bed and realise I haven’t had such an enjoyable week in years. Though I am tired, it is in a satisfying way. The students seem to really enjoy my lessons and I get along with most of the staff pretty well.

Even though it’s not even ten o’clock I decide to turn in and I fall asleep immediately. I dream about Sirius, how he’s escaped from his cell in Azkaban. Swimming from Azkaban to nearby land with his last bit of physical and mental strength. It takes forever to get to land and his legs are giving out. With all of his might he tries to stay above the salty water. I wake with a loud gasp.

Again I cast tempus and it’s already half past eleven in the morning. I summon a house elf and order my favourite breakfast. I figured this one out in Hogwarts when I was young. Some nice fresh bread, raw steak with gravy and a big cup of coffee afterwards. Well I'll admit that this is not a typical breakfast either. But still… it’s my favourite.

On my way to the entrance hall I hear Draco Malfoy muttering about how I look like his former house elf. Well yes, I am aware thank you very much. But try to restart your life over and over again. It’s not worth the effort to even respond and I head outside. 

My trip to Diagon Alley turns out to be as successful as my first week as a teacher. I’ve managed to get a few creatures delivered by Monday, while the payment will be transferred from my Gringotts account by the end of the month. I feel quite lucky.

I spend the rest of my Saturday improving my lesson plans and on Sunday I decide to pay Pomona a visit in her greenhouse.

“Hi Remus, good to see you! How are you settling in after your first week?” She asks.

“Excellent Pomona, thank you. Actually I’ve been rather curious about something.. Can I ask you a personal question?” I say hesitantly.

“Of course Remus, you can ask me anything!”

“Well… I wonder.. Do you have a personal life besides teaching at Hogwarts? I know most of the staff leave Hogwarts during the holidays, but it seems like through term..”

“.. everyone is always present?” Pomona finishes with a smile.

“Yes, exactly.” I smile relieved.

“Even though I have my own place, Hogwarts is my first home. I have to give you that. But during the week the teachers take turns in going home. Albus has our fireplaces connected to the flew network and with a password, you can use it to go anywhere you please. But most of the time all the teachers stay during the week. Maybe because during the years Hogwarts feels more like home than my actual home does.”

“Yes I must say, I’ve been here for a week and I forgot how much this place feels like home.” I smile.

“If you like to leave in the evenings during the week, that should be no problem at all. Only the Head of house needs to be present for the students at all times. But even there Albus makes exceptions.”

“Oh no, I don’t need to. I have no other place to go. Like I said, I am just curious.”

“You haven’t got yourself a girlfriend, Remus? Because if you do she is welcome to visit. You just have to get yourself a password for your fireplace.”

“A girlfriend? Pomona you must be joking” I exclaim.

“I actually thought that’s why you were asking me.” She winks. “Even though I just started as a young teacher when you were in your last years at Hogwarts, I do recall many a girl giggling and blushing when you were around.”

I feel myself turn red and regret asking her my question at all.

“Your memory confuses me with Sirius, Pomona. He was very popular in my days.”

“I can tell you for certain Remus, that he was not the only one. But I also recall that you didn’t seem to be very interested?”

“Very attentive, Pomona. You're right about that... But I am also not interested in general. I don’t wish it upon anybody to have a partner like me.”

“What on earth are you implying, Remus?!” Pomona exclaims.

Merlin’s beard, how do I save myself out of this situation. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. Now I have to explain myself.

“Are you afraid that no one wants to be with a kind, passionate young man who howls at the moon once a month?” She asks innocently.

“What?! Pomona how do you know? Who told you? Have you told anyone else?” I exclaim. This goes from bad to worse! My eyes must be turning to saucers.

“Calm down, Remus. As you said, maybe I am attentive and, like you, I can keep quiet about it. Your secret is save with me. I already suspected it, because I remembered your friends, who used to call you Moony after a few years. In the beginning I thought your parents had something to do with your injuries, after you came back every month and I was worried about you. You used to be so quiet.. until James, Sirius and Peter became your friends. Your injuries seemed to become less frequent, though how that’s possible is still a mystery to me. Then the rumours about the Shrieking Shack started a few months after you came to Hogwarts and slowly the pieces of the puzzle fell in place for me. Still I wasn’t a hundred percent sure about it and I didn’t want to confront you at all. But this week I heard Miss Brown talking about your fear of Professor Trelawny since she assumed your Boggart was a crystal ball.”

“Then why did you decide to confront me now?” I ask her, amazed at her reasoning.

“Because I see the man you are Remus. I was very excited to see you join our staff, because I have always liked you. You deserve good things happening in your life and I was hoping you are already experiencing some of those. But when I saw you at the welcoming feast, I feared you might be torturing yourself.”

My heart clenches in my chest at her words. I start to feel tears prickling in my eyes, but the last thing I want is to start crying in front of a colleague.. after only a week of teaching.

“I don’t know what you mean by torturing myself, Pomona. As I am getting older, the transformations take more of a toll on me than they used to do. The recovery takes me longer and my energy levels drop more and more.” I cannot possibly tell her about James, Sirius and Peter helping me during the transformations.

“I think you know exactly what I mean.” She smiles at me knowingly and I raise my eyebrows.

“You are ashamed of your condition and you don’t allow anyone near you. I suspect your three friends where the only real friends you had. They were the only ones who got to break down the walls around your heart a little bit. You probably blame yourself for losing James and Peter. I wouldn’t be surprised if you are blaming yourself somehow for Sirius becoming a murderer.”

“If I could I would tell you the whole story, but I really can’t. I’m sorry.” I honestly feel disappointed because it would be such a relief to get these burdens of my chest and have someone to trust. But I cannot risk it.

“There is no need to tell me anything. But I must say that I do worry about you, like I did when you first came to Hogwarts. You deserve happiness and I hope you’ll give people the chance to enter your life again, lovers or friends. Don’t tell me your worthless again, because you are a kind, handsome man, Remus. If not a woman, you certainly deserve a man in your life. In the case of friends, know that you I am glad to be one if you let me. On another note.. for the symptoms you experience, I can be of service to you.. I think”

Pomona walks to the other side of the greenhouse as I ponder her words and swallow a big chunk of emotion down. She didn't even let me reply to her assumptions.. But it's scary that they are all correct. What a clever woman. I hear her yanking at some plant behind the greenhouse. She is so kind to me and means well, but if she only knew the whole story.. No, in that case she wouldn’t say these things. As she walks backs towards me, I am uncomfortable and embarrassed. I don’t know where to look.

“Here.” She gives me a bundle of branches of some kind of herb.

“This is a form of sea grape I have come across in China. It is also called Ma Huang by the muggles there. But they use it in wrong doses and put it in pills with a lot of toxins. If you take one of these tiny leaves each morning with your tea or coffee, before breakfast, you might experience an energy boost and gain more focus during the day.”

“You didn’t have to do that for me.”

“I wanted to give you this years ago, so now I’m glad I can finally help you.” She smiles.

“Does it counteract with other ingredients? Because Albus offers me to start taking the Wolfsbane Potion every month.”

“That explains the ingredients Severus has requested! No you can use these together without any side effects at all. As long as you keep your dose at one leaf a day.”

“Thank you Pomona, if there’s anything I can do for you..”

“No, no, absolutely not. Just remember my words and don’t be a stranger! Enjoy your evening, Remus.”

“You too, Pomona.” Who would’ve thought that Pomona knew my secret all along? I walk towards my chambers and put the branches in a cabinet of my small kitchenette. After dinner in the great hall I take another bath and pass out in my bed again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the next few weeks I experience that boost in my energy levels, my lessons are a success as I hear from my colleagues. Defence Against the Dark Arts has become the most popular class at Hogwarts. After the Boggart we moved on to another creature each week. Until now the Red Caps, Kappas and Vampires were studied. I decide to wait a little with a certain creauture.. I don't picture myself teaching about Werewolves..

Time flies and this weekend will be the start of October. Unfortunately my transformation is due tonight and I have had my first goblet of the Wolfsbane potion brought to me by Dumbledore. I can’t remember drinking something so utterly disgusting. So after he left I gulped the whole goblet down in one go after the first taste. Now I need a breather and lean on the sink for a while. Hopefully the nausea doesn’t take long.

“I haven’t seen you with this green tinge yet, Mister. It doesn’t suit you.” The mirror informs me.

“You’ll have to get used to it." I say with a choked voice. "And the way it feels right now... maybe you should get used to me vomiting as well.” I reply.

There is no way I'll go down for dinner, so I just rest on my bed for a little while.

I wake up from a sound of an owl hooting outside and see that it must be early in the morning. I am sore as if I have gone for a run in my sleep, but that’s it.

“Lumos.”

As light is shining from my wand I see that I might have tried to run at some point in my sleep. My left ankle is twisted and bruised in a weird way. But I have never felt this kind of energy after my transformation and today is Friday, thank Merlin. I drag my foot with me to my little kitchen and drink a cup of tea with a leaf of sea grape. After that I manage to drag myself to the Hospital Wing and apparently Madam Pomfrey knew I was coming.

“Good morning, Remus, couldn’t you just used your fireplace? If you firecall me, I can come straight to your chambers.”

“Yes, well I should’ve asked Dumbledore for a password.”

Madam Pomfrey gives me a big sigh and waves at one of the beds available.

“I’ll make sure Dumbledore gives you one today. Now you did take the Wolfsbane Potion, didn’t you?” She gives me a stern look which reminds me of Minerva.

“Yes of course, I haven’t felt this good in years!”

“That is great news Remus, but how did you managed to get your ankle twisted like this then?”

“I think I tried to run in my sleep. I woke up sore and discovered my ankle like this. But otherwise I feel fine.”

“Well next month should be better I imagine, it takes a few months to get more and more control over your transformations. But the more you use the Wolfsbane, the easier it gets.”

“I cannot dare to hope that it does. Am I allowed to walk today? It’s the last day of the week and I rather not skip these classes.”

“You’ll be fine Remus. Today it might still hurt a little bit to walk, but you should be completely fine tomorrow. Now go and get yourself a big breakfast. You’ll need protein and fats to recover and you need some reserves, but I must say you already look better since the day you came back to us.”

“Thank you, Poppy. Yes it’s good to have a roof over my head and three meals a day again. It’s been way too long.”

When I enter my rooms to look at the classes I’ll be teaching today, I find a note with the fireplace password the wooden table.

‘Neil Armstrong’. It says. Of course… the first muggle on the moon. ‘Ha, double hah.’

To be able to teach on the day after my transformation, is a complete miracle to me. A few students notice my slight limp. But they seemed to have forgotten it quickly.

From there on, my energy levels seem to improve day by day. My body seems to be able to recover loads, now it’s not been ripped to pieces this month. I am able to rest in the comforts of my own chambers after my classes. This is a big luxury that I haven’t been able to enjoy in my life since I was a child. It is a huge improvement on my health as well. Time goes by so quickly each day and I catch myself looking forward to the next day, instead of looking forward to go to bed.

Towards the end of October I start to feel more anxious again as my next transformation is due. I still can’t believe how much my health has improved and somehow I feel scared that it is too good to be true.

Today the students will be in Hogsmeade, which is a perfect day to receive the Grindylow I have ordered. This way I can get it settled first and keep it a surprise for my classes next week. It gives me something to do to keep me distracted from my thoughts about the transformation tonight. After breakfast, Hogwarts is empty all of a sudden. That is a new experience.. but also peaceful. I walk towards my classroom to receive the Grindylow through the big open window. The wrapped tank comes in flying with at least a hundred owls.

“I am sorry to say that I don’t have as many owl treats. Didn’t expect so many of you! But you can help yourself in the Owlery.” Some of the owls look insulted and take off. Others decide to take a U-turn and give me a slap in the face with their feathers.

I put the Grindylow in the corner and decide to go and pick some more weeds for it, near the lake on the grounds. When I open the door I notice Harry walking through the corridor. Alone.

“Harry?” Harry turns and has a gloomy look on his face.

“What are you doing? Where are Ron and Hermione?”

“Hogsmeade.” He says in an even tone.

“Ah.” Why hasn’t he joined them? Is it because of Sirius?

“Why don’t you come in? I’ve just taken delivery of a Grindylow for our next lesson.”

“A what?” Said Harry and he follows me into my office. He takes a look at the large tank with an astonished face.

“Water demon.” I grin.

“We shouldn’t have much difficulty with him, not after the Kappas. The trick is to break his grip. You notice the abnormally long fingers? Strong but very brittle.” The Grindylow bared its green teeth and then buried itself in a tangle of the little bit of weed in the corner of the tank.

“Cup of tea? I was just thinking of making one.” Well I didn’t. But by the look on Harry’s face he might just need someone to talk to.. and a sip of tea.

“All right.” He says.

I tap the kettle I have there for free periods and tell him to sit down. Harry stares absently at the teabags. Maybe I have to try to get rid of some tension here. I grin inwardly.

“I only have teabags, I’m afraid. But I daresay you’ve had enough of tea leaves?” I can’t help myself, maybe because he reminds me of James so much is why I immediately feel a bit mischievous.

“How do you know about that?” He asks.

“Professor McGonagall told me.” I give him a chipped teacup.

“You’re not worried, are you?”

“No.” It looks like he wants to tell me more, but somehow decides not to.

“Anything worrying you, Harry?”

“No.” Now I am sure that he’s lying. I recognise this facial expression on him out of thousands. Let’s try my best glare and see if it works as well as it did with James.

“Yes.” He says after a moment of silence.

I claim my victory silently and add this to my mental notes.

“You know that day we fought the Boggart?”

“Yes.” I say slowly. Oh here it comes.

“Why didn’t you let me fight it?”

I am surprised, apparently he hasn’t figured that one out. On the other hand it’s a good thing, because he probably didn’t give any thought to my worst fear at the end of the lesson.

“I would have thought that was obvious, Harry.” I answer.

“Why?”

“Well I assumed that if the Boggart faced you, it would assume the shape of Lord Voldemort.”

He stares at me with this open look on his face. Exactly like he did in the train. It’s like he sees right through me. I am the one who can’t take the silence now.

“Clearly I was wrong. But I didn’t think it a good idea for Lord Voldemort to materialize in the staff room. I imagined that people would panic.” I frown at him, he seems confused. What was he thinking then?

“I did think of Voldemort first.” He pauses.

“But then.. Then I remembered those Dementors.”

“I see.” The thought that I was there experiencing Harrys worst fear with him is something I’ll ponder about later. But it appears that Harry has matured for his age, way more than I thought.

“Well, well.. I’m impressed. That suggests that what you fear most of all… is fear. Very wise, Harry.”

He seems uncomfortable and sips his tea. Something dawned on me all of the sudden.

“So you’ve been thinking that I didn’t believe you capable of fighting the Boggart?” I ask him in astonishment.

“Well…. Yeah.” He says. Some of the tension seems to slide away from his face.

“Professor Lupin, you know the Dementors…”

There’s a knock on the door.

“Come in!” I call.

Professor Snape opens the door carrying my goblet of Wolfsbane. It seems to be fresh, because it’s still smoking. He stops when he sees Harry and narrows his eyes.

“Ah.. Severus.” I say with a smile. I’ll keep trying to be friendly, this man has my life in his hands and he knows it.

“Thanks very much, could you leave it here on the desk for me?”

Please, just put it there and walk away for once... He sets the smoking goblet down and stares from me to Harry. I have to say something first, because I almost hear him thinking about a plan to make things more difficult.

“I was just showing Harry my Grindylow.” I smile and point at the tank. I am not a Legillimens, but if I was, I would just send him a thought: turn around and walk away now. Times a hundred. Maybe it’s better that I am unable to, because he would do the opposite instead.

“Fascinating.” He drawls and adds: “You should drink that directly, Lupin.”

“Yes, yes, I will.” I answer.

“I made an entire cauldronful. If you need more..” He says slowly, almost emphasising that last sentence in more than thirty seconds.

“I should probably take some again tomorrow. Thanks very much, Severus.”

“Not at all.” He says as he turns around and leaves the room. I smile when I look at Harry, he’s staring at the goblet and I see his brain working.

“Professor Snape has very kindly concocted a potion for me. I have never been much of a potion brewer myself and this one is particularly complex.” I pick up the goblet and smell it. Yuck, yes it is the right stuff, I feel nauseous already.

“Pity sugar makes it useless.” I take a tiny sip, maybe if I take small ones, I won’t get so nauseous.

“Why?” Harry starts, while I look up at him.

“I’ve been feeling a bit off-colour and this potion is the only thing that helps. I am very lucky to be working alongside Professor Snape. There aren’t many wizards who are up to making it.” I take another sip and congratulate myself for not lying at all.

“Professor Snape’s very interested in the Dark Arts.” Harry suddenly says.

“Really?” I do feel a bit nauseous, but I take another sip anyway.

“Some people reckon he’d do anything to get the Defence Against the Dark Arts job.”

I need to get this stuff down, so I drain the goblet. Yuck, double yuck.

“Disgusting!” I exclaim. Because I really can’t talk to him about Snape. It’s a subject not to be risked either.

“Well, Harry, I’d better get back to work. I’ll see you at the Halloween feast later.”

“Right.” Harry answers, but has a worried long on his face when he puts the teacup down.

Harry leaves and I can’t think of any feast right now, but last month the nausea did subside, because I was able to fall asleep quickly after drinking the potion. I have to wait and see what happens to me through the evening.

Looking back, the feast was enjoyable. I didn’t feel nauseous anymore and ate more than I ever did. I had to ignore Snape’s constant glances, what turned out an easy task. I got to learn a lot more about Fillius Flitwick and we decided to go have a drink in the three broomsticks sometime next week. We talked about the earlier days and memories we have of Hogwarts. ‘Yes I had a very pleasant evening indeed.’ I think to myself as I walk through the corridor. Suddenly I find myself in front of a Patronus in the shape of Phoenix.

“To the Gryffindor common room everyone, now.” Sounds the voice of Albus Dumbledore.


	4. Breaking and fixing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I am a werewolf, the last two weekends I wake up with giant headaches myself. No alcohol involved actually. But it feels like I have been on loads. Or maybe... I am a werewolf.

I am not a good runner, but I try anyway. As I reach the painting of Gryffindor, I see that it’s empty and slashed. Then Peeves tells us that Sirius Black was here.

Dumbledore sends all of the staff to search for him, except me.

“You need to go to your chambers, Remus.”

“I am afraid I won’t be able to sleep one minute Albus.”

“Go to see madame Pomfrey and get yourself a Dreamless Sleep potion. You can’t be awake during your change.”

“Yes I will, thank you. I hope you’ll find him.” And I turn and head to the Hospital Wing.

Madam Pomfrey is fretting around and muttering to herself.

“If he’s really in the school, I must prepare myself for the worst case scenario. Oh hello Remus, what can I do for you?” She asks.

“Do you have a Dreamless Sleep potion in stock for me?” I don’t know what I would do without it, just now. If it wasn’t the night of my transformation, I would be searching for Sirius. I’ll give him a piece of my humble opinion and force him to explain what the hell he is up to. I still don’t understand how on earth he could betray James and Lily. Perhaps he was jealous of their relationship? I have to know, it is one of the things I need to discover in my lifetime before I could ever leave it in peace.

“Yes of course, dear! I forgot that tonight is that night again, isn’t it? Of course tonight had to be the night that Sirius breaks into Hogwarts. Is that great timing, or what?”

With that question in my head I leave the Hospital Wing and head to my chambers. Did Sirius choose this night on purpose? Does he know I am a teacher here at all? I enter my rooms and don’t even care to change clothes or get rid of my shoes. I drink the Dreamless Sleep potion, and pass out.

When I wake, I can’t seem to move and the room is turned upside down. I look around realising I didn’t wake up to my alarm. It’s already light outside. My bed is cracked and that is not the only piece of furniture that is broken. Broken is putting it mildly. The table hasn’t got any legs left to stand on and I don’t recognise what is part chair or table. My wand is on the floor next to my bed. Somehow the only thing I am still able to do is breathe and use my voice. I hope this will work…

“Neil Armstrong!” I yell towards the fireplace. I hear its fire burning inside.

“Albus, please help me!”

Within seconds Dumbledore appears through my fireplace.

“Remus! Are you alright, dear boy?” he swiftly strides toward me and kneels down beside my bed.

“What happened?” He says as he takes a glance across the living area.

“I don’t know, I just woke up and I can’t seem to be able to move myself.”

“I’ll firecall Poppy and then I will apparate you to the Hospital Wing.”

Dumbledore does exactly that and before we apparate, he fixes all the furniture in my chambers with one wave of his wand.

In the Hospital Wing, Poppy gives me a separate room and Albus lifts me on the bed using his magic. As it runs through me I feel exactly how powerful this wizard is. But I feel so very helpless and embarrassed somehow. My body doesn’t respond to anything I try.

“Poppy, we need to figure out what has caused this reaction. I’ll inform Severus and make sure your lessons for the coming week are covered, Remus. How are you feeling, beside the horrible fact that you can’t move?”

“My head hurts, but energy wise I feel quite alright. I don’t know if that remains the same, if I will be able to move again though.”

“We will make sure that you will move again, Remus. I’ll do everything in my power, I can assure you.” Albus says, probably to reassure me. But the look on his face, tells me he's worried.

With that Albus leaves the Hospital Wing and after a few minutes I hear Poppy yelling at Snape. They enter my room after a few minutes.

“Poppy, I am sure Severus doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment from you.” I tell her immediately. This man has my life in his hands. He can do whatever he wants to.

“Don’t start defending me now, Lupin. It’s long overdue don’t you think?” Severus says in his menacing, silky voice.

Next to the current situation of my body unable to move, I decide not to move my mouth anymore either. Whatever I try to do, to get through this man, won’t work. I suddenly feel sorry that he has become so bitter and frustrated. I am aware that I am one of the people that caused him to become this way. But I don’t know what to do to make it up to him.

“It might be that you are sensitive or say, allergic to one of the ingredients in the Wolfsbane potion. I have three ingredients in mind that can possibly cause this reaction. Which means I will have to try which one of these is the cause. Unfortunately for you I can’t eliminate these ingredients completely. Also they cannot be reduced all three at the same time, as they complement and aid each other in the potion. It will take some time and patience to figure out the right concoction. But of course it is my duty to provide for your… special needs.” Snape explains it in a tone as if I am a three year old and emphasizes the last two words like I am asking him for his right arm.

“Severus I am very grateful, you must know.” I try again.

His face turns sour like I just held a Hippogriff dropping under his nose. He swiftly turns and stalks away. I sigh.

“Oh don’t fret, Remus. You haven’t heard this from me, but I know Severus. He loves a challenge in his potion making and he will be enjoying himself immensely. Now I will have to give you more Dreamless Sleep until we have found you a solution. At least you will be well rested when this is over.” Poppy smiles and gently puts the potion in my mouth. I am able to swallow as the lack of movement starts from the neck down. Then… everything turns dark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I wake the first thing I see Poppy standing over me.

“Welcome back, Remus. You’ve been giving a bunch of potions just now. Can you try and move your toes for me?” The whole Wolfsbane experience enters my mind again and feels like a nightmare.

My insides sigh with relief as I feel my extremities responding to my will again. I sit up abruptly to look through the window.

“Easy now, easy. Your blood pressure has to adjust itself. You must take it slow for the next couple of days, do you hear me? No long walks or other activities and we will see how you feel on Sunday.”

“What day is it? And what time?” I ask, confused.

“It’s Friday and dinner has just started in the great hall.” Great, I almost missed an entire week, and now I am really looking forward to this weekend. I sigh.

With the help of Albus and Poppy I get back to my chambers and I see a comfy yellow armchair near the window that wasn’t there before. It’s covered with dark blue stars and filled with furry and hairy sorts of pillows.

“Thank you Poppy, I’ll take it from here. Alright my boy, let’s get you onto your bed first and if you feel like it you can use the chair later.” Dumbledore says smiling as he supports me to the bed.

“You seemed to have lost the weight you gained, we’ll have to spoil you the upcoming weeks. I’ll have a house elf bring you dinner shortly. Now.. you know how to reach us if anything is amiss.” Albus smiles with a hint of pity in his eyes.

“Thank you, Albus, Poppy.”

After they leave I fall asleep again and I eventually wake at seven in the evening. A plate of food is waiting on the side table near the bed and I realise I’m starving. After taking my time to eat, I seem to be needing sleep again like I did two months ago.

I sleep again until eleven in the morning on Saturday. It’s pouring outside and I walk up and down the corridor after a bit of coffee and my usual leaf of sea grape.

I spend the rest of the day thinking. I can’t seem to focus on any book or text anyway. Sirius has always been troublesome, but I never thought he would be this much trouble as an adult. The whole thing about him murdering Peter and betraying James and Lily is such a mystery to me. I don’t understand what drove him to this. If he really was jealous of James and Lily and somehow harboring feelings of resentment, anger or revenge, I would have known. He could never hold these kind of things inside for long. I mean, Sirius and Snape didn’t like each other. But that didn’t even come near resentment. Yes maybe it became resentment for Snape and I can’t blame him. But that was not the case for Sirius and I couldn’t get him to shut up about Snape. I just can’t imagine him murdering anyone. There must be something I’ve missed, something I didn’t see.

That evening I decide to eat dinner in the Great hall. Most of the students seem to have had their dinner already and mainly staff is present. I head to sit next to Minerva who is anxiously talking about Quidditch.

“Those Dementors could’ve been the death of him! I hope Albus is convincing the Ministry to send them away.” Minerva exclaims to Filius.

“What happened with the Dementors Minerva?” I ask her as I take my seat.

“Oh Remus, good to see you. This morning the Dementors got after Harry during the match against Hufflepuff. He fell from his broom at fifty feet in the air! Albus could interrupt his fall a few seconds before he hit the ground.”

My insides twist by hearing this terrible news. Could it be something Sirius planned as well?

“How is Harry doing?” I ask.

“Poppy keeps him under her observation this weekend. But he seems to be fine at the moment. How are you doing yourself, Remus? I heard that you’ve been taken ill?”

“Oh nothing to worry about, I just have to take things slow. I am more worried about the effect those Dementors have on young Harry.”

“Yes he seems particularly sensitive to them, but with a past like his, it’s only logical.” Minerva says.

“That it is.” I mumble and take to my food.

On Monday I resume my lessons after having pushed Albus and Poppy around about it. I’ve had enough of all the sleeping, pondering and reading in the chair, which I have to admit, is indeed very comfortable. But I feel myself growing more worried and that doesn’t help anything. Especially not my own health.

Every class seems to be upset about the lessons and homework they received from Snape last week. Especially the third years that afternoon.

“It’s not fair, he was only filling in, why should he set us homework?”

“We don’t know anything about Werewolves..”

“.. two rolls of parchment!”

“Did you tell Professor Snape we haven’t covered them yet?” I ask, pretending to be surprised that Snape is trying to find a way to get rid of me.

“Yes, but he said we were really behind..

“… he wouldn’t listen!”

“.. two rolls of parchment!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll speak to Professor Snape. You don’t have to do the essay.”

“Oh no!” Hermione yells accompanied with a very disappointing face.

“I’ve already finished it!”

After the lesson I call Harry to stay behind as he walks to exit the classroom.

“I’d like a word, Harry.”

Harry turns around and sets his bag on a table. His mind seems to be somewhere else completely.

“I heard about the match and I am very sorry about your broomstick. Is there any chance of fixing it?” I ask.

“No.” Harry answers. “The tree smashed it to bits.”

I sigh. Another part linked to my condition, that caused problems for others.

“They planted the Whomping Willow the same year that I arrived at Hogwarts. People used to play a game, trying to get near enough to touch the trunk. In the end, a boy called Davey Gudgeon nearly lost an eye, and we were forbidden to go near it. No broomstick would have chance.”

This event was the perfect excuse for Dumbledore to get students away from the tree and prevent them from gaining knowledge about the tunnel. I hope that Harry will take this as a hint to stay away from there.

“Did you hear about the Dementors, too?” Harry asks me. I promised myself that if Harry doesn’t ask me for help. I will offer it to him.

“Yes I did. I also heard that Professor Dumbledore couldn’t be more angry. They have been growing restless for some time… furious at his refusal to let them inside the grounds.. I suppose they were the reason you fell?”

“Yes.” Said Harry. Again I see that he hesitates to tell me something more.

“Why? Why do they affect me like that? Am I just..?”

“It has nothing to do with weakness.” I tell him in a stern tone. The last thing I want is for Harry to start feeling insecure due to these Dementors. I want to do everything in my power to reassure him, help him. Suddenly I realise I would want to comfort him as well. I quickly put that thought in one of the drawers within me. I’ll lock it away and hope I will forget about it. What is wrong with me?

“The Dementors affect you worse than the others because there are horrors in your past that the others don’t have.” Harry looks at me and again and I feel as if he can read me. As if he knows about all the things I caused and is waiting for me to admit them. Well, I better keep on talking.

“Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them. Even muggles feel their presence, though they can’t see them. Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory, will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself. Soulless and evil. You’ll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life, and the worst that has happened to you, Harry, is enough to make anyone fall off their broom. You have nothing to feel ashamed of.”

“When they get near me.. “ Harry pauses and honestly, I want to hug him and tell him that everything will be alright. That I will help him, guide him, to fight the Dementors. If I could, I would take the horrible memories from him and carry them myself. I deserve them, not a third year Hogwarts student.

..I can hear Voldemort murdering my mum.” I swallow and physically have to stop myself from hugging him now.

“Why did they have to come to the match?” Harry says bitterly.

“They’re getting hungry.” I say coolly. I have to get some distance between us and I close my briefcase.

“Dumbledore won’t let them into the school so their supply of human prey has dried up… I don’t think they could resist the large crowd around the Quidditch pitch. All that excitement, emotions running high, it was their idea of a feast.”

“Azkaban must be terrible.” Harry mutters.

I think of Sirius and my throat starts to close itself. Harry has no idea of Azkaban and how it is situated.

“The fortress is set on a tiny island, way out to sea, but they don’t need walls and water to keep the prisoners in, not when they are all trapped inside their own heads, incapable of a single cheerful thought. Most of them go mad within weeks.

“But Sirius Black escaped from them.” Harry says slowly. “He got away..”

My briefcase slips from the desk, betraying my anxiety about this subject. I start to pick it up.

“Yes. Black must have found a way to fight them. I wouldn’t have believed it possible.. Dementors are supposed to drain a wizard of his powers if he is left with them too long.”

“You made that Dementor on the train back off.” Harry suddenly says.

“There are certain defences one can use. But there was only one Dementor on the train. The more there are, the more difficult it becomes to resist them.”

“What defences?” I see the determined look on his face that James used to have before entering a Quidditch match.

“Can you teach me?” Harry asks.

“I don’t pretend to be an expert at fighting Dementors, Harry. Quite the contrary..”

“But if the Dementors come to another Quidditch match, I need to be able to fight them.” Again that determination. So much like James. I look in his pleading eyes and I know I can’t say no to anything he’ll ask me. Anything. Not that I planned to deny him. I am actually very happy, honoured even, to help him.

“Well.. all right. I’ll try and help you. But it’ll have to wait until next term. I’m afraid. I have a lot to do before the holidays. I chose a very inconvenient time to fall ill.” Again.. I’m not lying.

Harry seemed to be relieved after that and I am already thinking about how I can help him. That and looking for excuses to get into Filches office, to see if he still has the Marauders Map. I need to keep it safe, before Sirius finds it. If he hasn't got it already... I have to find a way to make Filch like me, slightly. Or… I can just ask him about it..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In November the staff as well as the students seem more and more restless. It’s getting darker and gloomier outside and because of the Dementors there is no Quidditch practice in the evening. Filch seems to have a lot more to do, because of all the pranks and students wandering through the corridors at night. I invest some time in helping the man to get in his favour somewhat. I help him clean and clear the corridors with magic, which would cost him a few hours doing it the muggle way. As we walk through a corridor I decide to try and pick his brain about the Map.

“What things have you found during all these years. Mr. Filch? You must have confiscated quite the collection?”

“Oh yes, these students possess objects like the devil made them himself.”

“You mean Dark objects? You should be very careful indeed. Do you throw everything away?”

“Not all of it and I must keep some of the stuff, to have some of these brats listen to me, if they want their goodies back.” He grins menacingly.

“So what are the suspected Dark objects you confiscated? Maybe I can help you sort them out sometime?” I ask with my most gentlest smile, trying to pretend I was the most innocent student at Hogwarts.

“You can have a look at them on Monday before dinner. I don’t want to waste my time in the few free hours I have.”

“Good, excellent. Until Monday, at let’s say four in the afternoon?”

“Fine with me, Professor.” Filch says as he turns around.

It turned out to be a fruitless search. Though it was amusing to see the useless broken toys, joke products and candy wrappings decorated with moving images. No sign of the Map. The only thing I learned is that Filch has probably forgotten all the things me and my friends did, as I noticed that the Weasley twins already covered half of his archive wall.

Eventually this makes my mission to find the Map way more difficult. A needle in a haystack, or better, a barn full of it.

I spend my time until the Christmas holidays looking for it, in my spare hours. In November I undergo another transformation of course. This one, to my relief, turned out even better than the first one at Hogwarts. No bruising, twisted limbs or broken furniture and I feel like I had a good night’s sleep. My hopes and excitement are back up, because I can stay in Hogwarts during the holidays. They only downside is that my next transformation will be at Christmas. But I am fortunate, what more can a man want but a roof over his head, excellent food and a comfortable place to sleep? A tiny voice in my head immediately answers with a word I know I can’t think of. That is not for me and I have to accept that I can’t have it all. Not what other people take for granted. People don’t seem to realise how special it is and how lucky they are. I don’t get depressed over it, but if there was a creature that could do the exact opposite from a Dementor and show people their biggest longing or joy in their life. I know what mine would be… someone to love..

But right now, here at Hogwarts, I feel like I almost have all I want in life. I have to enjoy each day I am here. Because at Hogwarts.. everything can change in a beat of one's heart.


	5. Canines on The Map

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I'm back. I'll be working on this story more often. I just lost my job. Funny enough, because someone is heading to lose his job as well. We all know it..I guess Remus and I have a lot in common. Maybe that's why I feel compelled to write this fic?

On the last evening before the holidays start, I finally have that drink at the Three Broomsticks together with Filius and at the last moment Pomona decided to join us as well.

“What are your plans for the holidays, Remus?” Filius asks me after a half an hour of talking about classes, how students are growing up and evolving in their magical abilities.

“There’s nothing specific I have planned, I am very glad that I am able to spend my time in Hogwarts after Christmas. I really look forward to spend a vast amount of time in the library. I have a reasonable list of subjects in my mind that I want to research.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound very festive, does it?” Pomona smiles mildly.

They don’t want to know where I was hiding this time last year and I can’t tell them. After Voldemort took possession of a teacher I vowed to follow the Werewolf packs and see if I could detect any signs or gain any knowledge. It makes me hate the Werewolf I am, because I can never behave in the horrible way these creatures do. Even if they are not transformed. If people knew I am a Werewolf, they immediately assume that I behave like them. They don’t know that I’ll have to lock myself up again at Christmas time. Dumbledore told the staff that I won’t be present at the Christmas luncheon, but I can’t think of a good excuse right this second. I’ll try to just stir away from it. 

“Who knows where we’ll be this time next year. I actually look forward to the peace and quiet.” I answer. That is partly true. I have a feeling things will turn darker, but I am done with being alone most of the time. Even though I am used to it.

“What are your plans for the holidays?” I ask both my colleagues.

It turns out I really have to lock myself up during the Christmas days. Pomona and Filius are both present in the school.

Eventually we spend the rest of the evening predicting the future and joke about what Sybil Trelawny would say to our predictions. Even though the conversation turned out not be the lightest and happiest, we did have a good time together.

Back at Hogwarts I wish them both a great holiday and head to bed.

Christmas is a quiet affair for me. When I wake up I am surprised to find a few presents near the fireplace. There is also a Christmas wrath made of branches of sea grape with chocolate Christmas balls added to them. The red bow on it has a note strapped to it. It reads: ‘If you are at Hogwarts during Christmas, but you don’t want anyone to know, you are still welcome to have a Christmas celebration drink in my rooms on Boxing Day. Take Care! Pomona.’ I smile, what a clever woman, it seems that she sees right through me. The next present is from Filius, he gifted me a book: “The best every day Charms”. I flip through it and find myself a better sewing charm, than the spell that I’ve been using all along. I am glad that I bought my colleagues presents in Diagon Alley weeks ago, I even bought Snape a bottle of brandy. I don’t care if it’s welcome or not.

Minerva has given me a pack of all kinds of chocolates. ‘Honeydukes finest’ is printed on the big golden bow. I received some more nice gifts containing aftershave, a coupon for Madame Malkins shop (I don’t know if I have to feel insulted or not, but I am grateful anyway) and finally I open the last present which must be from Dumbledore, I conclude as I open the bright coloured wrapping with dancing Santa’s. I raise my eyebrows as I find a pair of slippers in the shape of wolf like claws. A note is added: ‘A wizard should never forget to take care of his feet.’ I chuckle and put them under the bedside table.

After my coffee with sea grape and the breakfast I ordered from a house elf, there is a knock on my door. I open it and Snape is standing there, again with a smoking goblet.

“Good morning and happy Christmas, Severus.”

Snape huffs and hands me the goblet.

“I guess I should be the one to wish that upon you, Lupin. But it seems that I can’t take pity on you for celebrating it on your own.” He drawls.

“Well I guess that is the best you could do. Thank you for the potion.” I reply and close the door. Rolling my eyes I take sip. I wanted to ask him some questions about the potion, but I don’t have it in me to face that man any longer today.

My transformation turns out to be as successful as it did last month. The only thing that happened and still distracts me the next day, are nightmares. But I am not sure if they have anything to do with the potion. So I take it easy and decide to read through Boxing Day with lots of hot coco, chocolates and I discover the benefits of the slippers I was gifted by Albus. They turn out to massage feet and warm them up at the same time. They make me feel drowsy and I take some short naps in the comfy chair.

After I finished my dinner, there’s another knock on my door. This time Minerva is standing there holding a shiny new broom it hand.

“Good evening, Remus. I am sorry to intrude, Albus told me you should be back in your chambers sometime this evening. To be honest I am glad that you’re back so early. Did you enjoy your Christmas break?”

“Yes, I did and thank you for your present I couldn’t resist the temptation to try them already.” I smile and blush at the same time. My weakness for chocolate is terrible. It’s one of the worst things I can do to myself as I am partly canine, but I guess that makes it all the more alluring.

“You’re very welcome, Remus. I have to say I am already enjoying the book you gave me. But speaking about presents I must ask you if you send a present to Harry Potter?”

“To Harry? I don’t think that would be appropriate.” I am very surprised. Is my liking for Harry that visible to others?

Minerva holds up the broomstick.

“Please take a look at this.” She says as she walks inside and puts the broomstick on my table. She looks down at my feet and raises her eyebrows.

“Present from Albus… you know him.” I say as I feel myself turn scarlet. I focus on the broomstick. “It looks like a very expensive broom, Minerva. Why do you think I gave this to Harry?”

“Because you two seem to like each other, but I admit that it’s good to hear that you treat your students equally. I can’t always say the same. On the other hand, it also worries me. Now I still have to find out where the Firebolt comes from.”

“A real Firebolt? And you think I have the funds for that?” I start laughing, partly because somehow I feel a stir inside my stomach.

“Apparently not, but I was hoping you do have the funds for that. Because now we have to strip this wonderful broom down.”

“Strip it down? What a shame!” I exclaim.

“Yes, but I have to make sure that there is no Dark magic hidden in it. I have to make sure… that it is not sent to Harry by Sirius Black.”

I feel adrenaline shoot up and down my body and I am suddenly lost for words.

“Yes that is how I feel too, Remus.” Minerva has a worried frown on her face and turns around to leave.”

Suddenly I remember something I should probably tell her.

“Minerva, before I forget to tell you. Harry has asked me for help with his problem regarding the Dementors. I plan to set up extra lessons for him, but of course I will only do this with your approval.”

“I think it is very wise to help Harry. Will you attempt to teach him the Patronus charm? That is very advanced for a third year.” Minerva says frowning.

“I know, but I can at least give it a try. In my humble opinion it would help Harry’s confidence if he has way to defend himself. Even if it will only buy him some time.”

“Indeed, Remus. When will you start?”

“After the holidays. I will arrange a set day and time for the lessons.”

“Well good luck, if you need any help, you know how to find me. Good night, Remus.”

“Good night, Minerva.”

I turns out that Hermione was the one that told Minerva about Harry’s Firebolt. Harry and Ron don’t seem very pleased about it, to say the least. The tension between the trio is so obvious even Professor Trelawny thinks it has something to do with an upcoming death.

Immediately after the holidays, Harry approaches me on Monday after the first lesson of term. We decide to get started on Thursday evening in the History of Magic classroom.

I come up with the idea to use another Boggart as I can't seem to be able to sleep. My sleep is off since I heard about the Firebolt. I keep wondering who sent it to Harry and if it is Sirius, how did he managed to get it? What did he do to it and why use the most expensive broom available?

On Wednesday I managed to find another Boggart while helping Filch in the corridors. He seems to be glad that I got rid of it for him. But I still haven't seen the Map and I am getting desperate. Maybe a student took it home? Maybe one of the teachers found it? I have to be careful not to give away too much.

Thursday arrives and that evening I take the Boggart to the classroom and find Harry already waiting. So driven and eager, like myself and my friends used to be when we were creating the Map, completely devoted to it.

I put the large case on a desk.

“What’s that?” Harry asks

“Another Boggart.” I say while I put off my cloak.

“I was lucky to find one in the castle, just yesterday. It’s the nearest we’ll get to a real Dementor. The Boggart will turn into a Dementor when he sees you, so we’ll be able to practise on him. I can store him in my office when we are not using him, there’s a cupboard under my desk I think he’ll like.”

“Okay.” Harry says. He doesn’t seem sure of himself. But we’ll get there, hopefully. I’ll do everything to get him there.

“So… The spell I am going to try and teach you is highly advanced magic, Harry, well beyond Ordinary Wizarding Level. It is called the Patronus charm.”

“How does it work?” Harry says nervously.

“Well, when it works correctly, it conjures up a Patronus, which is a kind of Anti Dementor, a guardian which acts as a shield between you and the Dementor. The Patronus is a kind of positive force, a projection of the very things that the Dementor feeds upon. Hope, happiness, the desire to survive, but it cannot feel despair, as real humans can. So the Dementors can’t hurt it. But I must warn you, Harry, that the charm might be too advanced for you. Many qualified wizards have difficulty with it.” 

“What does a Patronus look like?” Harry asks.

“Each one is unique to the wizard who conjures it.”

“And how do you conjure it?”

“With an incantation, which will work only if you are concentrating, with all your might, on a single, very happy memory.”

Then I see Harry thinking, it takes him a while.

“Right.” He says eventually.

“The incantation is this: Expecto patronum.”

“Expecto patronum.” Harry repeats.

“Concentrating hard on your happy memory?” I ask.

“Oh.. yeah.” Harry says. “Expecto patrono, no patronum, sorry. Expecto patronum, expecto patronum.”

The familiar silvery fog comes out of his wand. The delighted look on his face is priceless.

“Did you see that? Something happened!” He cries out.

“Very good.” I smile at him.

“Right then, ready to try it on a Dementor?”

“Yes.” Harry says with more confidence and walks to the middle of the classroom. As he holds his wand at the ready and I open the lid of the case. A Dementor rises slowly from the box, it’s hooded face turning towards Harry. One glistening, scabbed hand gripping its cloak. The lamps around the classroom flicker. The Dementor approaches Harry silently and draws a deep, rattling breath. Harry start yelling the incantation.

“Expecto patronum, expecto patronum! Expecto…”

I see Harry starting to faint and falling backwards. I catch him in my arms before he hits his head on the floor. This boy should definitely eat more.. I lay him down on the floor and see how his rosy cheeks have been replaced by a very pale face. I have some chocolate with me, which I saved from Minerva’s present.

“Harry!” I gently whisper.

He opens is eyes.

“Sorry.” Harry mutters and sits up carefully.

“Are you alright?” I ask.

“Yes.” He pulls himself up at one of the desks and leans against it.

“Here.” I hand him a piece of chocolate.

“Eat this before we try again. I didn’t expect you to do it at the first time. In fact, I would have been astounded if you had.”

“It’s getting worse.” Harry mutters and take bite of his chocolate frog, while I swallow a lump back in my throat.

“I could hear her louder this time, and him, Voldemort.”

“Harry, if you don’t want to continue, I will more than understand.”

“I do! I’ve got to! What if the Dementors turn up at the match against Ravenclaw? I can’t afford to fall off again. If we lose this game we’ve lost the Quidditch Cup!”

“All right then.” I say. I must hold myself together, not to laugh. Like James, Quidditch seems to be on the top of Harry’s priority list.

“You might want to select another memory, a happy memory, I mean, to concentrate on. That one doesn’t seem to have been strong enough.” I tell Harry as I wonder what memory he thinks about.

Harry seems deep in thought for a moment and then takes his position in the middle of the classroom.

“Ready?” I ask.

“Ready.” Harry Says.

“Go!” I reply and open the case again. The room goes dark and cold again. The Dementor glides towards Harry again with rattling breath and rotting hands.

“Expecto patronum, Expecto patronum!” Harry yells. “Expecto pat…”

There he faints again, luckily I see the signs soon enough to catch him on time before he hits the floor. I don’t know if he has chosen memories that are too weak, or if the charm is too advanced.

“Harry! Harry wake up!” I tape him gently in the face. With his eyes closed, he could be James. He has a frown on his face and I see tears welling up in the corners of his eyes, so this can’t be pleasant. I hold his face and wipe them away with my thumbs. My own heartrate goes up and a lump forms in my throat. It takes a bit longer for Harry to wake up this time.

“I heard my dad.” He says after waking up. “That’s the first time I ever heard him, he tried to take on Voldemort himself, to give my mum time to run for it.”

“You heard James?” I say with a voice as hoarse as can be and try to swallow away the big lump.

“Yeah.. Why, you didn’t know my dad, did you?” He looks at me with these bright green eyes again and I cannot lie.

“I.. I did, as a matter of fact, we were friends at Hogwarts. Listen Harry, perhaps we should leave it here.. for tonight. This charm is ridiculously advanced.. I shouldn’t have suggested putting you through this.” My guilt is creeping up on me. How can I do this to James’ son, when he needs someone to support him, help him and maybe even take care of him. I am doing the exact opposite with this. I tare him down and make him relive everything. I feel like crying myself, because it tears away at something inside me. Something I didn’t know exists inside of me.

“No!” Harry exclaims as he gets up again. “I’ll have one more go! I am not thinking of happy enough things, that’s what it is… hang on…”

I see him searching his own brain again and then facing the case yet again.

“Ready?” I ask, though it goes against what I want to do. But somehow I can’t deny this young man anything. I sigh.

“Concentrating hard? All right, go!” I pull the lid for the third time and the Dementor rises from the case. The room goes dark and cold again.

“EXPECTO PATRONUM!” Harry yells with all his might. “EXPECTO PATRONUM, EXPECTO PATRONUM!”

The silvery shadow comes bursting out of the end of Harry’s wand and hovers between him and the Dementor.

“Riddikulus!” I yell while I jump forward.

A loud crack and Harry’s Patronus vanishes along with the Dementor. Harry slumps in a chair. I force the Boggart back into the case with my wand. It turned into a moon again, of course.

“Excellent.” I say as I face Harry after I closed the lid of the case. “Excellent, Harry. That was definitely a start.”

“Can we have another go? Just one more go?” Harry pleads.

“Not now, you’ve really had enough for one night, here..”

I give him more chocolate.

“Eat it all, or Madam Pomfrey will be after my blood. Same time next week?” I ask

“Okay.” Harry replies.

Harry eats the chocolate while I concentrate on extinguishing the lamps.

“Professor Lupin, if you knew my dad, you must’ve known Sirius Black as well.”

I turn around abruptly.

“What gives you that idea?” Merlin, how do I get out of this?

“Nothing.. I mean, I jest knew they were friends at Hogwarts too..”

I take a breath I was unconsciously holding in.

“Yes I knew him, or.. I thought I did. You’d better get off Harry, it’s getting late.”

And so he did. As I take the case to my own classroom, I don’t even have time to gather my own thoughts. Because I meet Snape right in the next corridor. He looks at the case and I know he is curious.

“Well Lupin, I don’t think you’ll fit in there when it’s that time again. But I’d like to see you try.” He smirks.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if it would even stay intact, thanks to your talent in brewing.” I smirk right back at him.

“Don’t thank me Lupin, if it weren’t for the Headmaster, I wouldn’t brew this potion at all. But it seems the concoction affects you in the desired way, I take it?”

“Yes it does. It’s a miracle to me.” I answer softly.

“No.. Lupin… it’s magic.” Snape answers and gives me a sneer before he strides away. Robes billowing and all.

I chuckle and head to my chambers. The man is a git, but I find it entertaining. That was what more students used to think in my days.. I never expected to have my past haunt me so much when I took my place in the Hogwarts Express in September.

January though, is an excellent month for me. I spend some more time with colleagues at the Three Broomsticks and receive more and more compliments about my improving appearance, it seems. Though I don’t see it myself. But what I do see, is the appearance of one student faltering. Hermione looks very tired and spends all her spare time in the library. The whole curriculum must be taking its toll on her. I give Minerva a heads up about this, because these signs are easy to overlook if a student is as driven as this girl.

Harry also get’s more frustrated during his Dementor lessons. He has not conjured a full Patronus yet, but he doesn’t realise he’s able to defend himself continuously.

“You’re expecting too much of yourself.” I say sternly in the next lesson.

“For a thirteen year old wizard, even an indistinct Patronus is a huge achievement. Do you realise you’re not passing out anymore? You are defending yourself over and over again.” I smile at him.

“I thought a Patronus would charge the Dementors down or something. Make them disappear.” Harry says discouraged.

“The true Patronus does do that, but you’ve achieved a great deal in a very short space of time. If the Dementors put in an appearance at your next Quidditch match, you will be able to keep them at bay long enough to get back to the ground.”

“You said it’s harder if there are loads of them.” Harry says.

“I have complete confidence in you.” I pat his shoulder and smile again.

“Here, you’ve earned a drink. Something from the Three Broomsticks, you won’t have tried it before.” I pull out two bottles from my briefcase.

“Butterbeer! Yeah, I like that stuff!” Harry says.

I raise an eyebrow at him. I thought he was not allowed to go into Hogsmeade.

“Oh.. Ron and Hermione brought me some back from Hogsmeade.” He rattles. I don’t believe him, I know that look on his face all too well.

“I see.. well.. let’s drink to a Gryffindor victory against Ravenclaw next Saturday! Not that I am supposed to take sides.. as a teacher.” I remember as I say this.

“What’s under a Dementors hood?” Harry asks me suddenly.

“Hmmm… well, the only people who really know are in no condition to tell us. You see, the Dementor only lowers its hood to use its last worst weapon.”

“What’s that?” Harry asks me surprised.

“They call it the Dementors Kiss. It’s what the Dementors do to those the wish to destroy utterly. I've heard there must be some kind of mouth under there, because the clamp their jaws upon the mouth of the victim and.. and suck out his soul.”

I see Harry shivering and losing a bit of butterbeer from his mouth.

“What.. they kill?”

“Oh, no. Much worse than that. You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you’ll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no…. anything. There’s no chance at all of recovery. You’ll just exist. As an empty shell. Your soul is gone forever… lost.” I take another sip which is hard to swallow. But maybe it’ll be a relieve if I say the following out loud.

“It’s the fate that awaits Sirius Black. It was in the Daily Prophet this morning. The Ministry has given the Dementors permission to perform it if they find him.” I ponder in my own quietness for al while.

“He deserves it.” Harry says all of a sudden.

“You think so? Do you really think anyone deserves that?” I ask him while I look into his eyes. I see the pain behind them and it tares at my own soul.

“Yes.” Harry says defiantly. “For.. for some things…”.

Again I see that he hesitates to tell me more. I don’t know what stops him from doing so. But I won’t force him to tell me.

“Thank you again for the lesson, Professor Lupin. I’ll head back to Gryffindor common room now, I think.”

I don’t blame him, because right now there’s a huge gap of silence between two mountains of words we cannot tell each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Saturday finally arrives I am as excited as I used to be in my time as a student at Hogwarts. The Quidditch match is today, I feel butterflies in my belly and I don’t really feel like having breakfast. I decide to wait in my chambers until the match almost starts. My preference for Gryffindor would be too obvious and the anxiety in the Great Hall would only enhance my own.

At a quarter to eleven I head down towards the Entrance Hall. It seems most of the staff and students are at the Quidditch pitch already. I head outside and the weather is cool and grey. No storm and rain this time around. A typical winter day.

When I enter the pitch I find myself a seat at the far end of a tower where I face the castle as well. I feel so lucky to be here and to be able to watch this match today. I am so excited and it feels impossible to sit still. Luckily there aren’t many students seated here, because I am definitely making a fool of myself. But I cannot seem to help it.

When Harry and his team walk out I can't help and give them a standing ovation. As the whistle blows I take a look at Harry, which is difficult with the speed from his Firebolt. But when he hovers I can see that not only this broom looks like a diamond in the sky. The slight wind blows through his unruly hair and the relieve on his face is something of the same level as his broom.

Lee Jordan is going on and on about the Firebolt and Minerva’s angry voice make me almost lose myself from laughter. Merlin I love to be back!

Suddenly I see Harry dive towards the ground and I hold my breath. James could fly, I remember him doing it as if it were yesterday. But Harry seems to have been born on a broom. I try not to think of the consequences of this for Lily though. I chuckle at myself.

Harry is distracting Cho from the snitch while diving to the ground and the third time he does this he suddenly turns and heads for the snitch. I didn’t see the thing, nobody saw it. Then Cho screams and I see Harry look down. There are three Dementors, tall, black and hooded on the pitch. How did they get there? These seem to be able to walk? Within two seconds I realise this is a prank. Though Harry doesn’t hesitate and I hear him yelling out the Patronus Charm.

A stag, so big and bright erupts from his wand and gallops through the air, heading full speed to the Dementors below. I don’t know where to look. Within a few seconds the Dementors fall back on the ground and Harry’s hand holds the snitch. But next to that… in the corner of my eye I see a black dog-like figure near the bushes turning and disappearing inside them. My heart pounds in my ears as I immediately head down. If that really was what I think it was.. There’s no way I imagined it. I was too focused on the game to suddenly make up something like that.

Of course I am too late and the creature is gone. My condition is excellent as a wolf, supernatural even. But aside from that… I really need some exercise. Just from getting down towards the pitch, trying to be quick, I am gasping for air. There’s nothing I can do now. Behind me I hear people cheering and yelling. As I turn around I see a red crowd bouncing up and down.

I smile and head towards them and manage to get towards young Harry.

“That was quite some Patronus.” I say softly next to his ear. Harry turns and his face glows. His penetrating green eyes are sparkling.

“The Dementors didn’t affect me at all!” He says. “I didn’t feel a thing!” I chuckle.

“That would be because they… weren’t Dementors. Come and see.” I take Harry from the crowd and a crumpled heap is on the ground.

“You gave Draco Malfoy quite a fright.” I say unable to control my laughter.

It seems Malfoy had been standing on Goyle’s shoulders. Standing over them, is Minerva. The fury on her face is priceless.

“An unworthy trick! A low cowardly attempt to sabotage the Gryffindor Seeker! Detention for all of you and fifty points from Slytherin! I shall be speaking to Professor Dumbledore about this, make no mistake! Ah, here he comes now!”

It’s is impossible to not laugh at this. I can’t control myself and tears start roll from my cheeks. Next to me, Ron seems to have the same issue. I laugh so hard I almost need to sit down on the ground. My legs are like jelly. Harry seems to have lingered in his amazement and surprise, but then it dawns on him and he’s laughing as well. But he seems to be mostly amused by Ron and me howling with laughter.

After that, Harry is taken away by his friends and the crowd, probably to celebrate. I hear the bushes moving again behind me. But as I turn around.. nothing’s there.

As I head towards the castle Pomona catches up with me.

“Remus! Do you feel like having a butterbeer tonight in my chambers? A little celebration?” She asks me.

“Yes I’ll be there after dinner.” I smile. She such a nice friend to have.

At dinner most of the students are nowhere to be seen. Just a few Slytherins and Hufflepuffs.

“They’re all celebrating in Gryffindor tower.” Minerva says with a sigh as she takes a seat next to me. “I am up for a long night I’m afraid.”

“Yes you will be.” I chuckle.

“Oh stop enjoying yourself so much over this Remus, I bet if I close my eyes and count to ten, you’ll be there partying with them!” She rolls her eyes and takes a zip from her goblet.

“Ha ha, I probably would Minerva. But it turns out I’ll be celebrating a bit with Pomona this evening. Maybe it’s a trick to keep me from going to Gryffindor Tower.”

“I’ll thank her for that, you would forget you are a staff member now, instead of a student. I saw you on the pitch there with Mr. Weasley, Remus.”

“Yes well, the sight was too memorable, I’ll admit. I’ll show you in a Pensieve one day.” I keep smirking while eating my dinner. There’s nothing right now to ruin my mood.

After dinner I head to Pomona’s chambers and her table is already set with snacks and two butterbeers.

“Good to see you Remus, what an enjoyable match it was today! I am so happy you were able to join this time. It would’ve been nice if you were present at our match against Gryffindor. Just to see that the Gryffindors don’t always win the game.”

“Hah of course I know that, Pomona. Even if there were some real Dementors involved I heard. Unfortunately I was physically unable to watch the game. Believe me I would have joined in a heartbeat!”

“You still love Quidditch as much as you did in your Hogwarts days, don’t you?” She asks.

“Oh yes, I do. I could watch it every day if it were up to me.” I sigh. Watching the match today really made me forget about my age and being a teacher. I was a student all over again.

“But I don’t recall you joining the Gryffindor team in your days? You rather watch?”

“I tried and I loved it. I still love flying. But my body wasn’t able to cope with the training at the time. Maybe if I had the Wolfsbane potion I could’ve done it.”

“I am sorry to hear that. How are you faring with the potion now?”

I tell Pomona everything that happened during the weekend Gryffindor played against Hufflepuff. Pomona is a good listener and she suggested that I stop using the sea grape on the days I take the Wolfsbane potion. Just to be sure. As I finish my beer and some snacks, Pomona asks me something that must have been burning in her mind all along.

“Remus, I must ask. Do you have any idea what happened to Mr. Black? Why would he suddenly turn against the Potters and kill one of his best friends? I must confess I have been wondering about this a lot, but I can’t seem to understand it. I’ve known Sirius as a student and I believe that someone should’ve noticed something about him if he joined You Know Who.”

“I know exactly what you mean and I still don’t understand it myself. I wish I did. I feel like I missed something important, but I don’t know what it is. It doesn’t make sense to me at all. These questions haunt me multiple times a day and night.”

Pomona drinks her last bit of butterbeer in silence and we bid each other good night. As I lay in bed I think about the creature I saw in the bushes and vow to myself to keep a closer eye on Harry.

The next morning I wake up to the voice of Dumbledore. It’s his Patronus again that bids us to the staff room. I get there as quick as I can, but of course I am the last teacher to arrive. Dumbledore explains that Sirius entered Gryffindor Tower last night and faced Ron Weasley in the dormitory. Neville Longbottom had been writing down the passwords and they got into the hands of Sirius somehow. Another big lump seems to have found its home in my throat after that and everyone appears to be on edge.

From that moment on, we take turns in guarding entrances, corridors and Hagrid is taking extra measures to guard the grounds. He patrols them every night and he tells us the next day that he even warned the Centaurs in the Dark Forest. That gives me a tiny bit of assurance.

Next to classes, which are about Vampires this week, the teachers take turns in parts of the castle to add extra security spells and charms. I’ve learned a great deal more about Wards from Filius and the walking around in the castle seems to be helpful with my own stamina.

Saturday is another Hogsmeade trip and I am actually surprised that it isn’t cancelled. Maybe Dumbledore doesn’t want to appear too frightened. That afternoon I take a break from wandering through the corridors looking for gaps in our security. I’m sitting in the comfy chair for five minutes, when suddenly there’s a voice from my fireplace.

“Lupin! I want a word!”

Well that voice can only mean one specific colleague. I floo into Snape’s chambers to find Harry there with him. A Harry with mud on his face, hands and clothes. I keep a straight face as much as possible.

“You called, Severus?” I say calmly.

“I certainly did. I have just asked Mr. Potter to empty his pockets. He was carrying this.” Snape points towards the table and my heart stops. The Map.

The Map is on the table with our greeting messages on it. Just laying there, innocently as if nothing ever happened to it. I swallow away my confusion and surprise. Of course Snape knows who Prongs, Moony, Padfoot and Wormtail are. But he doesn’t know that it’s a Map. He doesn’t know he could sack me with this thing if he brings it to Dumbledore. Here lies the solution for any Dark wizard to get to Harry in Hogwarts. A solution I created with my friends, but with opposite intentions rather than causing real harm. Now I have to find a way to get it back…

“Well?” Snape says. “This parchment is plainly full of Dark Magic. This is supposed to be your area of expertise, Lupin. Where do you imagine Potter got such a thing?”

Yes, how did Harry get his hands on it, indeed? I hope Harry is able to read my face as my eyes swiftly look at his and I turn back to Snape.

“Full of Dark Magic?” I repeat. “Do you really think so, Severus? It looks to me as though it is merely a piece of parchment that insults anybody who tries to read it.” I chuckle. “Childish, but surely not dangerous? I imagine Harry got it from a joke shop.”

“Indeed?” Snape clenches his jaw and his face is like thunder. “You think a joke shop could supply him with such a thing? You don’t think it more likely that he got it directly from the manufacturers?”

“You mean from Mr. Wormtail or one of these people? Harry do you know any of these men?”

“No.” Harry answers.

“You see, Severus?” I say as I look back to Snape again. “It looks like a Zonko product to me.”

Suddenly Ron comes bursting in the office, completely out of breath. He stops in front of Snapes desk.

“I gave… Harry… that stuff.” He gasps. “Bought it… in Zonko’s… ages ago.”

“Well!” I exclaim, clapping my hands in triumph. “That seems to clear that up! Severus, I’ll take this back shall I?” I pick up the Map and fold it. I tuck it away in my robes. My heart leaps up and a tremendous relieve sets over me. The Map is safe. It won’t get into the hands of Sirius or Dumbledore for that matter. I already know I’ll be sleeping better tonight.

“Harry, Ron, come with me. I need a word about my Vampire essay. Excuse us, Severus.”

We walk all the way back to the Entrance Hall in silence, once there Harry starts speaking.

“Professor I..”

“I don’t want to hear explanations.” I cut him off and glance around the empty Entrance Hall. I lower my voice. “I happen to know that this map was confiscated by Mr. Filch many years ago. Yes I know it’s a map.” I say as I see the amazed faces of Harry and Ron.

“I don’t want to know how it fell into your possession. I am, however, astounded that you didn’t hand it in. Particularly after what happened the last time a student left information about the castle lying around. I can’t let you have it back, Harry.”

I am so lucky that he didn’t hand it in!

“Why did Snape think I’d got it from the manufacturers?” Harry asks me curiously.

Oh Merlin tripping over his beard.

“Because.. Because these mapmakers would have wanted to lure you out of the school. They’d think it extremely entertaining.”

“Do you know them?” Harry says impressed.

“We’ve met.” I say pointedly. Hopefully they get that this is the end of this conversation. I have to warn them somehow. Harry is far too much like James for his own good.

“Don’t expect me to cover up for you again, Harry. I cannot make you take Sirius Black seriously. But I would have thought that what you’ve heard when the Dementors draw near you would have had more of an effect on you. Your parents gave their lives to keep you alive, Harry. A poor way to repay them, gambling their sacrifice for a bag of magic tricks.” I walk away, knowing I just delivered a message under the belt. I know this isn’t fair to say to a young student who deserves some mischief and pranks. But there is far too much at stake here.

When I enter my chambers I look for a good place to hide the Map, I definitely don’t want to risk it. This Map cannot fall in to other hands again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Easter Holiday turns up and everything seems more quiet in the school. Not because of students going home. No they are all still in school, but we made sure they have enough homework to get through. We can finally settle a bit ourselves and see about their homework after the holidays. I have another successful transformation in the first week and I haven’t felt this good in years. 

The second week I enjoy myself immensely in Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade. My wardrobe is growing and even Madame Malkin herself complemented me on my appearance. I wore one of my new outfits to Easter dinner and received many approved looks. Except for Snape who’s face turned sour and appeared to be smelling something again. I still feel guilty of betraying him yet again, when Harry sneaked into Hogsmeade. I tried to be kind about it as much as I could. But it doesn’t matter if the droplet is big or small. The bucket has already been spilling over for Snape.. on my account.

After Easter dinner I enjoy myself in good company of other staff. Everyone is present in the staff room except of course Snape, Minerva and Dumbledore. We have nice conversations and have bets going on. A few of them are about the next Gryffindor match against Slytherin. Who’s going to score and of course who’s going to win.

As classes start up again after the holidays and I have to admit that I intentionally postpone the lesson about Werewolves and brought many other creatures from Diagon Alley to discuss. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to teach them about Werewolves, because I’m afraid I’ll betray myself. Snape has already covered this class, but they never really studied the chapter. I’ll just pretend to have forgotten about it. Next to that, I don’t want to hear more opinions and judgements. Even if they are from students.

Before I know it, it’s time for the final Quidditch match against Slytherin. Yes I consider myself on the Gryffindor supporter team even though I try not to say it out loud.

Apparently Draco entered the Slytherin team as a Seeker, he made sure the team is on his good side. The whole team suddenly enters the pitch with brand new broomsticks.

The match is as thrilling as can be. The Slytherin team would’ve definitely won the game if Harry wasn’t the Gryffindor Seeker. Meanwhile I also keep an eye on the bushes next to the pitch. But I was indeed mistaken last time.

With that thought I enjoy watching the match immensely and the rivalry between Harry and Draco makes it even more entertaining. Merlin, Draco is so much like Lucius. Grabbing the tail of Harry’s firebolt to prevent him from catching the snitch. What a trick. Their rivalry reminds me so much of James and Snape.

But of course Harry makes a spectacular dive at the end of the game and catches the Golden snitch anyway. I am cheering and clapping as much as the rest of Gryffindor house and the euphoria lasts a whole week.

One of the few people who can’t be cheered up is Hagrid. His poor Hippogriff has been sentenced to Death thanks to the Malfoy family. Well, I think mostly Lucius. I find Hagrid in tears most of the time when he is present for breakfast or dinner. But that appears to be less frequent as well. I visit him a few times to see if there’s anything left to do. But Ron and Hermione appeared to have done all the research for Buckbeak’s appeal I could think of myself. The only thing left to do is hope for a miracle and support the heartbroken man.

As the time flies, the final exams are to be taken. I decided to make it a practical exam in the form of a circuit. The students will have to wade across a deep paddling pool containing a Grindylow, cross a series of potholes full of Red Caps, squish their way across a patch of marsh, ignoring the misleading directions from a Hinkypunk and then climb into an old trunk and battle with a new Boggart.

So It seems I am the only teacher to create this kind of Exam, but it turned out to be a good one. The day the third years take the Exam is exceptionally successful. Harry climbs out of the trunk, grinning.

“Excellent Harry.” I mutter as he walks past me. He flushes. My stomach turns in a way I have to forget quickly and I turn around at the screaming. Hermione bursts out of the trunk.

“Hermione! What’s the matter?” I say startled.

“P…Pro..Professor McGonagall!” She gasps pointing into the trunk. “She.. She said I’d failed everything!” I set her at ease and try to contain my laughter. In the corner of my eye I see Harry and Ron talking to the Minister of Magic. That can't be good.

It gives me a dark feeling in the pit of my stomach so I leave Hermione with Harry and Ron and head to my chambers. A steaming goblet is standing on the counter of my kitchenette, but I have to know what’s going on first. I lock the door behind me, throw off my robes and kick off my shoes. Then I lay the Marauders Map on my table.

“I solemnly swear I’m up to no good.” There it is, in all its glory. The map of Hogwarts with all its people. I see Cornelius Fudge, Walden Macnair and Eric Dribble in Dumbledores office together with Albus himself.

I take a look at the rest of the map. Severus is in his office, probably brewing something. Pomona is in her greenhouse and Rolanda is in the storage near the Quidditch pitch.

Suddenly I see Harry, Ron and Hermione heading towards Hagrid’s hut. I look up through the window and see the sun starting to set. They are not allowed outside at this hour, as the trio enters Hagrid’s hut the names disappear.

This feels wrong, my stomach twists and I start to put on my shoes again. I pick up my robes and a bar of chocolate falls out of its pocket. Oh yes… in case it was needed for the Boggart during the Exam. But of course I didn’t need it anymore. I smile.

Suddenly I remember I was actually doing something and look back at the Map, whilst eating the chocolate bar. Then I see Harry, Ron, Hermione and Peter Pettigrew leave Hagrid’s hut.. Peter Pettigrew?! Peter is dead! Then I see Peter getting away from the trio and Ron’s name is going after it.

Then.. it appears on the other side of the map... A name... Heading towards Harry, Ron and Hermione.... Sirius Black.

Sirius is faster than all of them and I see him, Ron and Peter heading towards the Whomping Willow.

I throw away the chocolate bar and sprint out of my chambers towards the tunnel I’ve been in so many times when I was young. But right now it seems to take forever to get there..


	6. In the Shrieking Shack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So.. do you all love Remus as much as I do? Will you watch the Prisoner of Azkaban next time and think about his story? I have been. So after this chapter the story will develop itself. Because we will stay with Remus. If you find the time to comment. Please do so! Thank you

Oh Merlin, what is happening over there with these kids and Sirius? And Peter.. How is it possible that Peter is still alive? I’ve got no time to loose and I run and I run. My heartbeat roars in my ears together with my breath. I feel my calves cramping already, because of the unexpected work they have to deliver. My lungs burn and my head starts to pound. No matter, it’s no matter.

Finally I get to the Whomping Willow and I suddenly wonder if I should ask someone to help me. Dumbledore? Pomona? But there’s no time! I pick up a stick and hit the Whomping Willow on the knot, aggressively. The tree stops moving and I head into the tunnel, which is way smaller then I remembered. I have to duck and walk at the same time, which makes it impossible to run. I secretly wonder if I have gained so much weight in the last few weeks? Or if it would have been the same months ago… No matter!

When I take my first steps into the Shrieking Shack I hear Hermione yelling.

“We’re up here! We’re up here! Sirius Black! Quick!”

With no hesitation I run upstairs and burst open the door with my wand, ready to fight Sirius. I take a quick look around. Ron is lying on the floor, over Hermione, at one side of the room. Harry stands over at the other side. He’s standing there with his wand covering Sirius, and Sirius himself is crumpled and bleeding at Harry’s feet.

“Expelliarmus!” I yell. Harry’s wand and two more wands Hermione was holding, fly over to me. I catch them and move further into the room. I can’t help but look at Sirius with Hermione’s cat in his lap.

“Where is he, Sirius?” I ask.

Sirius slowly points at Ron. Ron’s rat… What’s it called again? Not important. Ron’s rat must be Peter!

“But then..” I mutter and stare into Sirius’ eyes. Meanwhile some things start to click in my brain. If Peter was alive all this time while Sirius was in Azkaban, it’s possible that it’s not only Sirius Black who has chosen an alternative route in life.

“Why hasn’t he shown himself before now? Unless..” Peter was supposed to be dead. Dead to the rest of the world and dead to his best friends. But he wasn’t.. So who betrayed who? James and Lily chose Sirius as their secret keeper. I was completely sure..

“Unless he was the one.. unless you switched.. without telling me?” Very slowly Sirius nods. His face.. It’s so hollow, his eyes are so sunken into their sockets.. A huge lump forms in my throat. I am astonished. James, Lily and Sirius decided to switch the secret keeper. Instead of Sirius, it was Peter. They didn’t tell me. Apparently.. they didn’t trust me. But who trusts a Werewolf? Who trusts a Dark Creature?

“Professor Lupin.” Harry says loudly. “What’s going..?”

But I am lowering my wand and seize Sirius’s hand. I pull him to his feet and I can finally embrace one of my best friends I’ve missed for so, so long. Tears well up in my eyes.

“I don’t believe it!” Hermione yells.

I let go of my friend and turn towards her. She had raised herself off the floor and points at me with a wild look on her face. “You.. you!”

“Hermione..” I try.

“You and him!”

“Hermione, calm down.” I try again. But it’s effortless of course.

“I didn’t tell anyone!” She shrieks. “I’ve been covering up for you..”

“Hermione, please listen to me, PLEASE!” I try louder. “I can explain..”

“I trusted you!” Harry starts shouting as well. “And all the time you’ve been his friend!”

“You’re wrong.” I say. “I haven’t been Sirius’s friend for twelve years, but I am now.. let me explain..”

“NO!” Hermione screamed. “Harry don’t trust him, he’s been helping Black get into the castle, he wants you dead too. He’s a Werewolf!”

There’s a long, ringing silence. Yes of course, I want everyone dead because I am a Werewolf. Nobody trusts me because I’m a Werewolf and nobody wants me because I’m a Werewolf. I know that all too well. I am so over it and I am also over everyone staring at me.

“Not at all up to your usual standard, Hermione.” I say sarcastically and finally that seems to get her attention. “Only one out of three, I’m afraid. I have not been helping Sirius get into the castle and I certainly don’t want Harry dead.” I shiver as I prepare to confirm her correct conclusion.

“But I won’t deny that I am a Werewolf.” I say sadly.

Ron tries to get up again, but falls back on the four poster bed in a whimper of pain. I worry as I look at his leg. That break doesn’t look good. I head towards him.

“Get away from me, Werewolf.” He says bitterly.

Well, see.. That’s what happens, when people know. The assumptions they have about Werewolves are mixed with my character, which they suddenly seem to have forgotten and this is the result. The way it always has been.

“How long have you known?” I ask Hermione.

“Ages.” She whispers. “Since I did Professor Snapes essay.”

“He’ll be delighted.” I answer coolly. “He set that essay hoping someone would realise what my symptoms mean. Did you check the lunar chart and realise that I was always ill at the full moon? Or did you realise that the Boggart changed into the moon when it saw me?”

“Both.” Hermione answers quietly.

I laugh mockingly.

“You are the cleverest witch of your age I’ve ever met, Hermione.” I am sincere, I already knew from the first day I met her on the train that she’s too clever.

“I’m not.” She whispers. ”If I’d been a bit cleverer, I’d have told everyone what you are.”

“But they already know.” I say. “Dumbledore knows, a few staff members know.”

“Dumbledore hired you when he knew you were a Werewolf?” Ron gasps. “Is he mad?”

“Well of course I had to prove that I’m trustworthy..”

“And he was wrong!” Harry yells. His pained face with the most beautiful eyes fire at me. “You’ve been helping him all the time!”

Harry points at Sirius, who had crossed to the four poster bed and sunk onto it, his face hidden in one shaking hand. Crookshanks leaps up beside him and steps onto his lap. Purring.

Ron edges away from both of them, dragging his leg.

“I have not been helping Sirius.” I say again. “If you give me a chance, I’ll explain. Look..”

I separate Harry, Ron and Hermione’s wands and throw each back to its owner. Harry looks stunned. Maybe this will convince them.

“There.” I say as I stick mine in my belt of my new grey suit. “You’re armed, we’re not. Now will you listen?”

“If you haven’t been helping him.” Harry says with a furious look on his face. Green eyes glittering madly behind his glasses. “How did you know he was here?”

“The Map.” I say simply. “The Marauder’s Map. I was in my chambers examining it.” I say calmly.

“You know how to work it?” Harry says suspiciously.

“Of course I know how to work it” I say impatiently. “I wrote it! I’m Moony, that was my friends nickname for me at school.”

“You wrote..?”

“The important thing is, I was watching it carefully this evening. Because I had the feeling something was up. After seeing the Minister outside. Then I saw you, Ron and Hermione sneak to Hagrid’s.”

I start to pace up and down the room, looking at them.

“You might have been wearing your father’s old Cloak, Harry..”

“How do you know about the Cloak?”

“The number of times I saw James disappearing under it.. The point is, even if you wear an Invisibility Cloak you show up on the Marauder’s Map. I watched you cross the grounds and enter Hagrid’s Hut. Then you left to set off back to the castle, but you were now accompanied by somebody else.”

“What?” Says Harry. “No, we weren’t!”

“I couldn’t believe my eyes.” I interrupt him. “For one second I thought that the Map must be malfunctioning. How could he be with you?”

“No one was with us.” Harry says again.

“And then I saw another person appear on the Map, moving fast towards you. This person named Sirius Black. I saw him collide with you. I watched as he pulled two of you into the Whomping Willow.”

“One of us!” Ron says angrily.

“No, Ron.” I say. “Two of you.” The anger on Ron’s face is so evident, I really liked this kid. He has a good brain when he wants to and his sense of humour is fantastic.

I stop my pacing and look up and down at Ron.

“Do you think I could have a look at the rat?” I say evenly.

“What?” Says Ron. “What’s Scabbers got to do with it?”

“Everything.” I answer. “Could I see him, please?”

Ron obviously hesitates, but then puts his hand inside his robes. Scabbers emerges, thrashing desperately. Ron seizes his long bald tail to stop him from escaping. Crookshanks stands up from Sirius’s lap and starts to hiss.

I move closer to Ron and I hold my breath. I look intently at the rat.

“What?” Says Ron again. “What’s my rat got to do with anything?”

“That’s not a rat.” Sirius suddenly says.

“What d’you mean, of course he’s a rat..” Ron says.

“No he’s not.” I say quietly. “He’s a wizard.”

“An Animagus.” Sirius says. “By the name of Peter Pettigrew.”

“You are both mental.” Ron says.

“Ridiculous!” Hermione says.

“Peter Pettigrew is dead!” Harry says. “He killed him twelve years ago!” He points at Sirius, who’s face is twitching.

“I meant to.” Sirius growls. “But little Peter got the better of me.. not this time though!”

Crookshanks is thrown to the floor as Sirius lunges at Scabbers. Ron yells as Sirius falls on his leg.

“Sirius, No!” I yell and I launch myself towards Sirius to drag him away from Ron.

“Wait! You can’t do it just like that, they need to understand, we’ve got to explain!” I shout at him. That man is so fixated on killing Peter, I don’t know if I can stop him from doing so. But I’ll do anything to make Harry understand what is happening first. 

“We can explain afterwards.” Sirius snarls, trying to throw me off with one hand as the other still reaches for the rat. The rat is squealing like a piglet, scratching Ron’s face and neck, trying to escape.

“They’ve got… a right.. to know.. everything!” I pant as I try to restrain Sirius. 

“Ron’s kept him as a pet! There are parts of it even I don’t understand! And Harry! You owe Harry the truth, Sirius!” At that Sirius finally stops thrashing, but his eyes are still on the rat.

“All right, then.” Sirius says. “Tell them whatever you like, but make it quick, Remus. I want to commit the murder I was imprisoned for..”

“You’re nutters, both of you!” Ron exclaims. “I’ve had enough of this, I’m off!”

Ron tries again to heave himself up on his good leg, but I raise my wand again, pointing at the rat.

“You’re going to hear me out, Ron.” I say. “Just keep a tight hold on Peter while you listen.”

“He’s not Peter! He’s Scabbers!” Ron yells again as he tries to force the rat back into his pocket. But the rat is fighting too hard and Ron sways. Harry catches him and pushes him back down on the bed. Then he turns towards me. His eyes are filled with doubt and confusion. The hurt look has subsided somewhat. I hope I am able to take it all away..

“There were witnesses who saw Pettigrew die.’ Harry says. “A whole street full of them..” I see the pain in his eyes growing again.

“They didn’t see what they thought they saw!” Sirius exclaims, still holding his eyes on the rat, who is struggling in Ron’s hands.

“Everyone thought Sirius killed Peter.” I say nodding. “I believed it myself.. until I saw the Map tonight. Because the Marauder’s Map never lies… Peter’s alive. Ron’s holding him, Harry.”

Harry looks down at Ron, there is an exchange of looks between them. I see in their eyes that they don’t believe a word I’m saying.

Then Hermione speaks in a trembling voice.

“But Professor Lupin.. Scabbers can’t be Pettigrew.. it just can’t be true, you know it can’t..”

“Why can’t it be true?” I ask her calmly as though we are having a discussion in the classroom.

“Because.. because people would know if Peter Pettigrew had been an Animagus. We did Animagi in class with Professor McGonagall. I looked them up when I did my homework, the Ministry keeps tabs on witches and wizards who can become animals. There is a register showing what animal they become, and their markings and things.. I looked up Professor McGonagall and there have only been seven Animagi this century and Pettigrew’s name wasn’t on the list..” I start laughing and I can’t help it.

“Right again, Hermione! But the Ministry never knew that there used to be three unregistered Animagi running around Hogwarts.”

“If you’re going to tell them the story, get a move on, Remus.” Sirius snarls with his eyes fixated on Scabbers. “I’ve waited twelve years. I’m not going to wait much longer.”

“All right.. but you’ll need to help me, Sirius” I say. “I only know how it began..”

A loud creak behind me throws me off, the bedroom door opened of its own accord. Everyone stares at it. I walk towards it and look out into the landing.

“No one there..”

“This place is haunted!” Ron says.

“It’s not.” I reply. The door confuses me.

“The Shrieking Shack was never haunted.. the screams and howls the villagers used to hear were made by me.” I sigh and push my early greying hair out of my eyes. “That’s where all of this starts, with me becoming a Werewolf. None of this could have happened if I hadn’t been bitten.. and if I hadn’t been so foolhardy…” I know it is all my fault, it’s always been me. I caused everything to spiral down. I cannot make up for it. I wish I could take away all of the harm I’ve caused and take it all on me and die with it.

Ron is trying to say something, but Hermione prevents him.

“I was a very small boy when I received the bite. My parents tried everything, but in those days there was no cure. The Potion that Professor Snape has been making for me is a recent discovery. It makes me safe, you see. As long as I take it on the right days I am no harm and I transform in my sleep. I just lock myself into my chambers and turn into a harmless wolf. Before the Wolfsbane Potion was discovered, however, I became a fully-fledged monster once a month. It seemed impossible that I would be able to come to Hogwarts. Other parents weren’t likely to want their children exposed to me. But then Dumbledore became Headmaster and he was sympathetic. He said that, as long as we took certain precautions, there was no reason I shouldn’t come to school…”

I sigh and look directly in the bright green eyes in front of me.

“I told you, months ago, that the Whomping Willow was planted the year I came to Hogwarts. The truth is that it was planted _because_ I had come to Hogwarts. This house.. the tunnel that leads to it.. they were built for my use. Once a month, I was smuggled out of the castle, into this place, to transform. The tree was placed at the tunnel mouth to stop anyone coming across me while I was dangerous. My transformations in those days were, were terrible. It is very painful to turn into a Werewolf. I was separated from humans to bite, so I bit and scratched myself instead. The villagers heard the noise and the screaming and thought they were hearing particularly violent spirits. Dumbledore encouraged the rumour… even now, when the house has been silent for years, the villagers don’t dare approach it. But apart from my transformations, I was happier than I had ever been in my life. For the first time ever, I had friends, three great friends. Sirius Black.. Peter Pettigrew.. and, of course, your father, Harry.. James Potter.”

“Now, my three friends could hardly fail to notice that I disappeared once a month. I made up all sorts of stories. I told them my mother was ill, and that I had to go home to see her.. I was terrified they would desert me the moment the found out what I was. But of course, they, like you, Hermione, worked out the truth.. and I couldn’t believe that they didn’t desert me at all. Instead they did something for me that would make my transformations not only bearable, but the best times of my life. They became Animagi.”

“My dad, too?” Harry says astounded.

“Yes, indeed.” I reply. “It took them the best part of three years to work out how to do it. Your father and Sirius here were the cleverest students in the school, and lucky they were, because the Animagus transformation can go horribly wrong. One reason the Ministry keeps a close watch on those attempting to do it. Peter needed all the help he could get from James and Sirius. Finally in our fifth year, they managed it. They could each turn into a different animal at will.”

“But how did that help you?” Hermione asks.

“They could keep me company as animals, a Werewolf is only a danger to people. They sneaked out of the castle every month under James’s Invisibility Cloak. They transformed… Peter, as the smallest, could slip beneath the Willow’s attacking branches and touch the knot that freezes it. They would then slip down the tunnel and join me. Under their influence I became less dangerous. My body was still wolfish, but my mind seemed to become less so while I was with them.”

“Hurry up, Remus.” Sirius snarls again, impatiently.

“I’m getting there, Sirius, I’m getting there.. well, highly exciting possibilities were open to us now we could all transform. Soon we were leaving the Shrieking Shack and roaming the school grounds and the village by night. Sirius and James transformed into such large animals, they were able to keep a Werewolf in check. I doubt whether any Hogwarts students ever found out more about the Hogwarts grounds and Hogsmeade than we did..

And that’s how we came to write the Marauder’s Map, and sign it with our nicknames. Sirius is Padfoot, Peter is Wormtail, James was Prongs.”

“What sort of animal..?” Harry starts, but Hermione cuts in.

“That was still really dangerous! Running around in the dark with a Werewolf! What if you’d given the others the slip, and bitten somebody? She exclaims.

“A thought that still haunts me..” I sigh. “And there were near misses, many of them. We laughed about them afterwards. We were young, thoughtless, carried away with our own cleverness. I sometimes felt guilty about betraying Dumbledore’s trust, of course.. he had admitted me to Hogwarts when no other Headmaster would have done so, and he had no idea I was breaking the rules he had set down for my own and others’ safety. He never knew I had led three fellow students into becoming Animagi illegally. But I always managed to forget my guilty feelings every time we sat down to plan our next month’s adventure. And I haven’t changed..”

All my guilt and disgust about myself seem to collect into my throat, giving me a sour and bitter taste at the same time. But I’m going to say this anyway, because most of the cards are already out on the table.

“All this year, I have been battling with myself, wondering whether I should tell Dumbledore that Sirius was an Animagus. But I didn’t do it. Why? Because I was too cowardly. It would have meant admitting that I’d betrayed his trust while I was at school, admitting that I’d led others along with me.. and Dumbledore’s trust has meant everything to me. He let me into Hogwarts when I was a boy, and he gave me a job, when I have been shunned all my adult life. I am unable to find paid work because of what I am. And so I convinced myself that Sirius was getting into the school using Dark Arts he learnt from Voldemort. That being an Animagus had nothing to do with it.. so, in a way, Snape’s been right about me all along.”

“Snape?” Sirius snaps harshly. Look up at me for the first time. “What’s Snape got to do with it?”

“He’s here, Sirius.” I say heavily. “He’s teaching here as well.” I look at Harry, Hermione and Ron.

“Professor Snape was at school with us. He fought very hard against my appointment to the Defence Against the Dark Arts job. He has been telling Dumbledore all year that I am not to be trusted. He has his reasons.. you see, Sirius here played a trick on him which nearly killed him, a trick which involved me..”

Sirius huffs loudly. “It served him right.” He sneers. “Sneaking around, trying to find out what we were up to.. hoping he could get us expelled..”

“Severus was very interested in where I went every month.” I say to the trio.

“We were in the same year, you know, and we.. er… didn’t like each other very much. He especially disliked James. Jealous, I think, of James’s talent on the Quidditch pitch.. anyway, Snape had seen me crossing the grounds with Madam Pomfrey one evening as she led me towards the Whomping Willow to transform. Sirius thought it would be.. er… amusing, to tell Snape all he had to do was prod the knot on the tree trunk with a long stick, and he’d be able to get in after me. Well, of course, Snape tried it.. if he’d got as far as this house, he’d have met a fully grown Werewolf, but your father, who’d heard what Sirius had done, went after Snape and pulled him back, at great risk to his life.. Snape glimpsed me, though at the end of the tunnel. He was forbidden to tell anybody by Dumbledore, but from that time on he knew what I was..” I explain.

“So that’s why Snape doesn’t like you.” Harry says slowly. “Because he thought you were in on the joke?”

“That’s right.” A velvety voice sounds coldly from the wall behind me.

Severus Snape pulls off Harrys Invisibility Cloak, pointing his wand directly at me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hermione screams and Sirius leaps up to his feet. Harry jumps as if he received a huge electric shock.

“I found this… at the base of the Whomping Willow.” Snape drawls, throwing the Cloak aside while keeping his wand pointing at me.

“Very useful, Potter, I thank you..” Snape seems a bit out of breath and his face is full of suppressed triumph.

“You’re wondering, perhaps.. how I knew you were here?” He asks with glittering eyes. “Your door to your Chambers was opened and as I passed the corridor I thought that would be a strange thing to do, for a private wolf such as yourself. As I entered, I noticed you forgot to drink your Potion tonight and next to that, a certain map was lying on your table. I saw you running along this passageway and out of sight.”

“Severus..” I start. But Snape cuts in.

“I’ve told the Headmaster again and again that you’ve been helping your old friend Black into the castle, Lupin, and here’s the proof. Not even I dreamed you would have the nerve to use this old place as your hideout…”

“Severus, you’re making a mistake.” I try desperately. “You haven’t heard everything.. I can explain.. Sirius is not here to kill Harry..”

“Two more for Azkaban tonight.” Snape says with gleaming eyes. “I shall be interested to see how Dumbledore takes this.. he was quite convinced you were harmless, you know, Lupin… a tame Werewolf..” He says slowly.

“You fool.” I say softly. This man is unbelievable, how can he be so clever and still get to do exactly the wrong thing? Probably because his emotions of the past are taking over and cloud his thinking. I guess I really traumatized him.

“Is a schoolboy grudge worth putting an innocent man back inside Azkaban?” I ask sternly.

BANG! Thin, snake like cords burst from the end of Snape’s wand and twist themselves around my mouth, wrists and ankles. I lose my balance and fall to the floor, unable to move. With a roar of rage Sirius starts towards Snape, but Snape points his wand straight between Sirius’s eyes.

“Give me a reason.” Snape whispers. “Give me a reason to do it, and I swear I will.”

Sirius stops dead and the hatred on those faces is immense.

Then Hermione takes a step forward an says in a breathless voice, “Professor Snape.. it.. it wouldn’t hurt to hear what they’ve got to say, w.. would it?”

“Miss Granger, you are already facing suspension from this school.” Snape barks. “You, Potter and Weasley are out of bounds, in the company of a convicted murderer and a Werewolf. For once in your life.. Hold.. Your.. Tongue!”

“But if.. if there was a mistake..” She tries.

“KEEP QUIET, YOU STUPID GIRL!” Snape shouts looking quite deranged. “DON’T TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” A few sparks shoot out of the end of his wand, which is still pointing in Sirius’s face. Hermione doesn’t speak.

“Vengeance is very sweet.” Snape breathes at Sirius. “How I hoped I would be the one to catch you..”

“The joke’s on you again, Severus.” Sirius snarls. “As long as this boy brings his rat up to the castle..” He jerks his head at Ron. “I’ll come quietly.”

“Up… to the castle?” Snape says silkily. “I don’t think we need to go that far. All I have to do is call the Dementors once we get out of the Willow. They’ll be very pleased to see you, Black.. pleased enough to give you a little kiss, I daresay..”

Sirius turns to the colour of ashes. “You.. you’ve got to hear me out.” He croaks. “The rat… look at the rat..”

But the madness is still there in Snapes face. “Come on, all of you,” He says, clicking his fingers and the ends of the ropes that are binding me fly into his hands. “I’ll drag the Werewolf, perhaps the Dementors will have a kiss for him, too..”

Suddenly Harry blocks the door to towards the tunnel.

“Get out of the way, Potter. You’re in enough trouble already.” Snape snarls. “If I hadn’t been here to save your skin..”

“Professor Lupin could have killed me about a hundred times this year.” Harry says. “I’ve been alone with him loads of times, having defence lessons against the Dementors. If he was helping Black, why didn’t he just finish me off then?”

He’s so much like James and with the cleverness of dear Lily. My heart leaps up a little bit, even when I am in this compromised situation. I can’t help it.

“Don’t ask me to fathom the way a Werewolf’s mind works.” Snape hisses at Harry. “Get out of the way, Potter!”

“YOU’RE PATHETIC!” Harry suddenly yells. “JUST BECAUSE THEY MADE A FOOL OF YOU AT SCHOOL YOU WON’T EVEN LISTEN…”

“SILENCE! I will not be spoken to like that!” Snape shrieks, looking even more mad than he already did.

If a strange wizard was to enter this house at this moment, he would no doubt say that Snape has escaped from Azkaban instead of Sirius. Just from the look in Severus’s eyes.

“Like father, like son, Potter! I have just saved your neck, you should be thanking me on bended knee! You would have been well served if he’d killed you! You’d have died like your father, too arrogant to believe you might be mistaken in Black, now get out of the way of I will make you! GET OUT OF THE WAY, POTTER!”

Before Snape could even take one step, Harry raises his wand. “Expelliarmus!” Harry yells. But his voice was not the only one..

There was a blast that made the door rattle on its hinges, Snape was lifted off his feet and slammed into the wall, then slid down to the floor. A trickle of blood oozing from under his hair. He is knocked out. Ron and Hermione disarmed Snape at exactly the same moment as Harry did. Snapes wand ended on the bed next to Crookshanks.

“You shouldn’t have done that.” Sirius says looking at Harry. “You should’ve left him to me..”

Harry doesn’t look back at Sirius.

“We attacked a teacher… we attacked a teacher…” Hermione starts whimpering, staring at Snape with frightened eyes. “Ohh we’re going to be in so much trouble!”

I am struggling against the bonds, trying to remind them that I’m still here.. Sirius unties me.

“He’s so much like James!” He whispers in my ear excitingly. I smile timidly and I rub my arms where the ropes cut into me.

“Thank you, Harry.” I say as I look at him.

“I’m still not saying I believe you.” Harry answers.

“Then it is time we offer you some proof.” Sirius says. “You, boy.. give me Peter. Now.”

Ron clutches Scabbers closer to his chest. “Come off it.” Ron says weakly. “Are you trying to say you broke out of Azkaban just to get your hands on Scabbers? I mean..” Ron looks up at Harry and Hermione for support. “Okay, say Pettigrew could turn into a rat, there are millions of rats, how’s he supposed to know which one he’s after if he was locked up in Azkaban?” I smile, Ron might seem less intelligent, but he is clever when he is not trying.

“You know, Sirius, that’s a fair question.” I say, turning to Sirius. “How did you find out where he was?”

Sirius put one of his hands, or claws more like, inside his robes and took out a crumpled piece of paper, which he smoothed flat and held out to show the others. It was a photograph of Ron and his family that seems to have been in the Daily Prophet. On Ron’s shoulder, sits Scabbers.

“How did you get this?” I ask amazed.

“Fudge.” Sirius says. “When he came to inspect Azkaban last year, he gave me his paper. And there was Peter, on the front page.. on this boy’s shoulder.. I knew him at once.. how many times had I seen him transform? And the caption said the boy would be going back to Hogwarts.. to where Harry was..”

“My God.” I say softly. I stare from Scabbers to the picture in the paper and back again. “His front paw…”

“What about it?” Ron says defiantly.

“He’s got a toe missing.” Sirius answers him.

“Of course..” I breath heavily as the puzzle is now finally solved in my brain. “So simple.. so brilliant.. He cut it off himself?”

“Just before he transformed.” Sirius says. “When I cornered him, he yelled for the whole street to hear that I’d betrayed Lily and James. Then before I could curse him, he blew the street apart with the wand behind his back. He killed everyone within twenty feet of himself and sped down into the sewer with the other rats.”

“Didn’t you ever hear, Ron?” I ask. “The biggest bit of Peter they found was his finger.”

“Look, Scabbers probably had a fight with another rat or something! He’s been in my family for ages, right..”

“Twelve years, in fact.” I finish for him. “Didn’t you ever wonder why he was living so long?”

“We.. we’ve been taking good care of him!” Ron exclaims.

“Not looking too good at the moment though, is he? I say. “I’d guess he’s been losing weight ever since he heard Sirius was on the loose again.”

“He’s been scared of that mad cat!” Ron says, nodding towards Crookshanks, who was still purring on the bed.

“This cat isn’t mad.” Sirius says hoarsely while strokes Crookshanks fluffy head. “He’s the most intelligent of his kind I’ve ever met. He recognised Peter for what he was straight away. And when he met me, he knew I was no dog. It took a while before he trusted me. Finally, I managed to communicate to him what I was after, and he’s been helping me..”

“What do you mean?” Hermione asks.

“He tried to bring Peter to me, but couldn’t.. so he stole the passwords into Gryffindor Tower for me.. As I understand it, he took them from a boy’s bedside table. But Peter got wind of what was going on and ran for it.. this cat.. Crookshanks, did you call him? He told me Peter had left blood on the sheets.. I suppose he bit himself, well.. faking his own death had worked once..”

“And why did he fake his death?” Harry asks with a furious look on his face. “Because he knew you were about to kill him like you killed my parents!”

“No..” I say. “Harry..”

“And now you’ve come to finish him off!” Harry yells.

“Yes, I have!” Sirius says with an evil look at Scabbers.

“Then I should’ve let Snape take you!” Harry shouts.

“Harry,” I say quickly. “Don’t you see? All this time we’ve thought Sirius betrayed your parents, and Peter tracked him down.. but it was the other way around, don’t you see? _Peter_ betrayed your mother and father, Sirius tracked _Peter_ down..”

“THAT’S NOT TRUE!” Harry yells. “HE WAS THEIR SECRET KEEPER! HE SAID SO BEFORE YOU TURNED UP, HE SAID HE KILLED THEM!” He points at Sirius, who starts shaking his head. The sunken eyes suddenly over bright.

“Harry… I as good as killed them.” He croaks. “I persuaded Lily and James to change to Peter at the last moment, persuaded them to use him as Secret Keeper instead of me.. I’m to blame, I know it… the night they died, I’d arranged to check on Peter. To make sure he was still safe, but when I arrived at his hiding place, he’d gone. Yet there was no sign of a struggle. It didn’t feel right, I was scared. I set out for your parents’ house straight away. When I saw their house, destroyed, and their bodies.. I realised what Peter must have done. What I’d done.” His voice breaks and he turns away.

“Enough of this.” I say with the familiar lump in my throat. “There’s one certain way to prove what really happened. Ron… _Give. Me. That. Rat.”_ I say harshly.

“What are you going to do with him if I give him to you?” Ron asks me tensely.

“Force him to show himself.” I say. “If he really is just a rat, it won’t hurt him.” I see the hesitation in Ron’s eyes, I count to ten slowly. Then Ron hands me Scabbers, who starts squeaking again. The rat is trying to twist and turn away from me.

“Ready, Sirius?” I ask.

Sirius takes Snapes wand from the bed and approaches me. His eyes seem to be burning.

“Together?” He says quietly.

“I think so.” I reply. Holding Scabbers tightly in one hand, my wand in the other.

“On the count of three. One.. two… THREE!” A flash erupts from our wands, for a moment Scabbers was frozen in mid-air. His small black form, twisting madly. Ron yells. Then another flash of bright light. And then…

It’s like watching a speeded-up film of a growing tree. A head shoot upwards from the ground, limbs sprout the next moment and now a man is standing where Scabbers had been. He’s cringing and wringing his hands. Crookshanks was spitting and snarling on the bed, the hair on his back standing up. The man is very short, hardly taller than Harry and Hermione. His thin, colourless hair is unkept and there is a large bald patch on top. He looks like a plump man who had lost a lot of weight in a short time. His skin looks grubby, almost like Scabbers’s fur. Something of the rat lingered around his pointed nose, his very small, watery eyes. He looks around, breathing fast and shallow.

“Well, hello Peter.” I say in a mock pleasant tone. “Long time, no see.”

“S..Sirius.. R..Remus..” Even Peter’s voice is still squeaky. His eyes dart towards the door. “My friends… my old friends..”

Sirius’s wand arm rises, but I seize it around the wrist and give him a warning look. Then I turn back to Peter.

“We’ve been having a little chat, Peter, about what happened the night Lily and James died. You might have missed the finer points while you were squeaking around down there on the bed.” I say in a fake casual voice.

“Remus..” Peter gasps. He’s sweating. “You don’t believe him, do you.. he tried to kill me, Remus.”

“So we’ve heard.” I say in a colder tone. “I’d like to clear up one or two little matters with you, Peter. If you’d be so…”

“He’s come to try and kill me again!” Peter suddenly shrieks, pointing at Sirius with his middle finger. “He killed Lily and James and now he’s going to kill me too.. you’ve got to help me, Remus..”

Sirius face looks like doom when he stares at Peter with his fathomless eyes.

“No one’s going to try and kill you until we’ve sorted a few things out.” I say in a low voice.

“Sort things out?” Peter squeals, looking wildly about him once more. Again looking at the door. “I knew he’d come after me! I knew he’d be back for me! I’ve been waiting for this for twelve years!”

“You knew Sirius was going to break out of Azkaban?” I say confused. “When nobody has ever done it before?”

“He’s got Dark powers the rest of us can only dream of!” Peter shouts. “How else did he get out of there? I suppose He Who Must Not Be Named taught him a few tricks!”

Sirius starts laughing, a horrible laugh that fills the room.

“Voldemort, teach me tricks?” He says. Peter flinches. “What, scared to hear your old master’s name?” Sirius asks mockingly. “I don’t blame you, Peter. His lot aren’t very happy with you, are they?”

“Don’t know.. what you mean, Sirius.” Peter mutters, breathing even faster. His whole face shining with sweat.

“You haven’t been hiding from me for twelve years.” Sirius says. “You’ve been hiding from Voldemort’s old supporters, I heard things in Azkaban, Peter.. they all think you’re dead. Or you’d have to answer to them. I’ve heard them screaming all sorts of things in their sleep. Sounds like they think the double-crosser double-crossed them. Voldemort went to the Potters’ on your information.. and Voldemort met his downfall there. Not all Voldemort’s supporters ended up in Azkaban, did they? There are still plenty out there, biding their time, pretending they’ve seen the error of their ways. If they ever got wind that you are still alive, Peter…”

“Don’t know.. what you’re talking about..” Peter says again, more shrilly. He wipes his face on his sleeve and looks up at me again.

“You, you don’t believe this.. this madness, Remus.”

“I must admit, Peter, I have difficulty in understanding why an innocent man would want to spend twelve years as a rat.” I say evenly.

“Innocent, but scared!” Peter squeals. “If Voldemort’s supporters were after me, it was because I put one of their best men in Azkaban. The spy, Sirius Black!”

“How dare you!” Sirius growls, suddenly sounding like is bear-size dog form. “I, a spy for Voldemort? When did I ever sneak around people who were stronger and more powerful than myself? But you, Peter.. I’ll never understand why I didn’t see you were the spy from the start. You always liked big friends who’d look after you, didn’t you? It used to be us.. me and Remus… and James..”

Peter wipes his face again and seems to have to catch his breath.

“Me, a spy.. must be out of your mind.. never.. don’t know how you can say such a..” He starts.

“Lily and James only made you Secret Keeper because I suggested it.” Sirius hisses. Peter takes a step back.

“I thought it was the perfect plan… a bluff… Voldemort would be sure to come after me, would never dream they’d use a weak, talentless thing like you.. it must have been the finest moment of your miserable life. Telling Voldemort you could hand him the Potters.”

Peter starts muttering and turns to an ashen colour.

“Professor Lupin?” Hermione asks me softly. “Can.. can I say something?”

“Certainly, Hermione.” I say courteously.

“Well.. Scabbers.. I mean, this… this man.. he’s been sleeping in Harry’s dormitory for three years. If he’s working for You Know Who, how come he never tried to hurt Harry before now?”

“There!” Peter says. “Thank you! You see, Remus? I have never hurt a hair of Harry’s head! Why should I?”

“I’ll tell you why.” Sirius says. “Because you never did anything for anyone, unless you could see what was in it for you. Voldemort’s been in hiding for twelve years. They say he’s half dead. You weren’t about to commit murder right under Albus Dumbledore’s nose for a wreck wizard who’d lost all his power, were you? You’d want to be quite sure he was the biggest bully in the playground before you went back to him, wouldn’t you? Why else did you find a wizard family to take you in? Keeping an ear out for news, weren’t you, Peter? Just in case your old protector regained strength, and it was safe to rejoin him..”

Peter opens and closes his mouth several times.

“Er.. Mr. Black… Sirius? Hermione says timidly.

Sirius jumps at being addressed like this and stares at Hermione.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how.. how did you get out of Azkaban, if you didn’t use Dark Magic?” She asks.

“Thank you!” Peter gasps, nodding frantically at Hermione. “Exactly! Precisely what I..”

My anger almost erupts as I look at Peter. He stops speaking. Sirius frowns at Hermione, pondering his answer.

“I don’t know how I did it.. He says slowly. “I think the only reason I never lost my mind is that I know I am innocent. That wasn’t a happy thought, so the Dementors couldn’t suck it out of me. But it kept me sane and knowing who I am. It helped me keep my powers, so when it all became… too much... I could transform in my cell, become a dog. Dementors can’t see, you know.” Sirius swallows heavily.

“They feel their way towards people by sensing their emotions… they could tell my feelings were less.. less human… less complex when I was a dog. But they thought of course, that I was losing my mind like everyone else in there, so it didn’t trouble them. But I was weak, very weak, and I had no hope of driving them away from me without a wand… But then I saw Peter in that Picture, I realised he was at Hogwarts with Harry. Perfectly positioned to act, if one hint had reached his ears that the Dark Side was gathering strength again..”

Peter shakes his head, mouthing noiselessly. He’s staring at Sirius as if in trance.

“..ready to strike the moment he could be sure of his allies, to deliver the last Potter to them. If he gave them Harry, who’d dare say he’d betrayed Lord Voldemort? He’d be welcomed back with honours. So you see, I had to do something. I was the only one who knew Peter was still alive. It was as if someone had lit a fire in my head, the Dementors couldn’t destroy it. It.. wasn’t a happy feeling, it was an obsession.. but it gave me strength, it cleared my mind. So, one night when they opened my door to bring food, I slipped past them as a dog.. It’s so much harder for them to sense animal emotions that they were confused. I was thin… very thin. Thin enough to slip through the bars. I swam as a dog back to de the mainland. I journeyed north and slipped into the Hogwarts grounds as a dog. I’ve been living in the Forest ever since, hiding. Even though the Centaurs started looking out for me. But.. I came out to watch the Quidditch game of course, you fly as well as your father did, Harry..”

Sirius looks at Harry, who in turn doesn’t look away.

“Believe me,” Sirius croaks. “Believe me. I never betrayed James and Lily. I would have died before I betrayed them.”

The look in Harry’s eyes is different now. It seems that he finally believes Sirius. He nods

“No!” Peter drops to his knees and shuffles forward on his knees. His hands clasped as though praying.

“Sirius… it’s me.. it’s Peter.. your friend.. you wouldn’t..”

Sirius kicks out and Peter recoils.

“There’s enough filth on my robes without you touching them.” He says.

“Remus!” Peter squeaks as he turns to me. “You don’t believe this.. Wouldn’t Sirius have told you they’d changed the plan?” He begs me.

“Not if he thought I was the spy, Peter.” I can’t help but to feel a little disappointed. But didn’t I suspect Sirius to be the spy as well, all these years? Is it fair to stay angry or disappointed?

“I assume that’s why you didn’t tell me, Sirius?” I try to keep my casual tone over Peter’s head.

“Forgive me, Remus.” Sirius says.

“Not at all, Padfoot, old friend.” I say as I calmly roll op my sleeves of my jacket. This is a big misunderstanding, but I made the same mistake, so I really can’t blame Sirius. “Will you, in turn, forgive me for believing _you_ were a spy?”

“Of course.” Sirius says with a slight more tone of cheer. A ghost of a grin crosses his gaunt face. He too, starts rolling up his sleeves. “Shall we kill him together?”

“Yes, I think so.” I say grimly.

“You wouldn’t… You won’t..” Peter gasps. He scrambles towards Ron. “Ron haven’t I been a good friend.. a good pet? You won’t let them kill me, Ron, will you.. you’re on my side aren’t you?”

Ron stares at Peter with the utmost revulsion. “I let you sleep in my bed!” he says full with disgust in his voice.

“Kind boy… kind master..” Peter crawls towards Ron again. “You won’t let them do it… I was your rat.. I was a good pet..”

“If you made a better rat than human, it’s not much to boast about, Peter.” Sirius says harshly.

Ron, who slowly grows paler, wrenches his broken leg out of reach. Peter turns on his knees and seizes the hem of Hermione’s robes.

“Sweet girl… clever girl.. you, you wont’t let them.. help me!” Peter begs Hermione.

But Hermione pulls her robes out of Peter’s clutching hands and backs away against the wall. She looks horrified.

Peter slowly turns towards Harry.

“Harry… Harry, you look just like your father.. just like him.”

“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO HARRY?” Sirius roars. “HOW DARE YOU FACE HIM? HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT JAMES IN FRONT OF HIM?!”

“Harry..” Peter whispers. He shuffles towards him, hands outstretched. “Harry, James wouldn’t have wanted me killed.. James would understand, Harry. He would have shown me mercy.”

I cannot control myself any longer and Sirius feels the same way. We both seize Peter’s shoulders and threw him backwards onto the floor. He’s twitching with terror, staring at the both of us.

“You sold Lily and James to Voldemort!” Sirius exclaims. He’s shaking too. “Do you deny it?”

Peter suddenly bursts into tears, he looks like an oversized balding baby, cowering on the floor. A coward he is. I ask myself how I didn’t see it. How I didn’t know him for what he is.

“Sirius, Sirius, what could I have done? The Dark Lord.. you have no idea! He has weapons you can’t imagine. I was scared Sirius. I was never brave like you, Remus and James. I never meant it to happen.. He Who Must Not Be Named forced me…”

“DON’T LIE!” Sirius bellows. “YOU’D BEEN PASSING INFORMATION TO HIM FOR A YEAR BEFORE LILY AND JAMES DIED! YOU WERE HIS SPY!”

“He… he was taking over everywhere!” Peter gasps. “Wh.. What was there to be gained by refusing him?”

“What was there to be gained by fighting the most evil wizard who has ever existed?” Sirius asks with terrible fury in his face. “Only innocent lives, Peter!” He answers his own question.

“You don’t understand!” Peter whines. “He would have killed me, Sirius!”

“THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED!” Sirius roars again. “DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!”

I stand next to Sirius and we would raise our wands.

“You should have realised,” I say softly. “If Voldemort didn’t kill you, we would. Goodbye, Peter.”

Hermione covers her face with her hands and turns to the wall.

“NO!” Harry yells suddenly. He runs towards Peter, facing our wands. Facing us. “You can’t kill him.” He says breathlessly. “You can’t.”

I can’t believe this, I’m lost for words.

“Harry, this piece of vermin is the reason you have no parents.” Sirius snarls. “This cringing bit of filth would have seen you die, too, without turning a hair. You heard him. His own stinking skin means more to him, than your whole family.”

“I know.” Harry breathes heavily. “We’ll take him up to the castle. We’ll hand him over to the Dementors. He can go to Azkaban.. just don’t kill him.”

“Harry!” Peter gasps and he flings his arms around Harry’s knees. “You… thank you.. it’s more than I deserve. Thank you.”

“Get off me.” Harry snarls, throwing Peter’s hands off him in disgust. “I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing it because I don’t reckon my dad would’ve wanted his best friends to become killers.. just for you.”

No one moves but Peter, who’s wheezing and clutching his chest.

This is why Harry isn’t like James at all. I think to myself. This is why Harry is just like Lily, with a golden heart in his chest. This is why this young man is even wiser than two grown men in their thirties. Personally I think this is why he is the boy who lived. It was already written in his very soul, before he could even speak. I realise I am staring at him with my mouth hanging open. I quickly close it shut.

“You’re the only person who has the right to decide, Harry.” Sirius says. “But think… think of what he did..”

“He can go to Azkaban.” Harry repeats. “If anyone deserves that place, he does.” Peter is still wheezing behind him.

“Very well.” I say. “Stand aside, Harry.” Harry hesitates. “I’m going to tie him up, that’s all. I swear.” I say as I look him straight in the eyes. Harry look into mine for a moment and then steps out of the way. Thin cords shoot from my wand now and after that, Peter is wriggling on the floor. Bound and gagged.

“But if you transform, Peter.” Sirius growls, pointing his wand. “We will kill you. Do you agree, Harry?” Harry nods.

“Right.” I say, we have to get out of here. “Ron, I can’t mend bones nearly as well as Madam Pomfrey, so I think it’s best if we just strap your leg up until we can get you to the Hospital Wing.” I hurry over to him and tap his leg. “Ferula.” Bandages bind Ron’s leg and strap tightly to a splint and I help him up to his feet. When Ron puts weight on his leg, he doesn’t wince.

“That’s better.” He says. “Thanks.”

“What about Professor Snape?” Hermione asks in a small voice, looking down at Snape.

“There’s nothing seriously wrong with him.” I answer while checking Snape’s pulse. “You were just a little… over-enthusiastic. He’s still knocked out.. perhaps it will be best if we don’t revive him until we’re safely back in the castle. We can take him like this.. Mobilicorpus.” I mutter.

As though invisible strings are tied to Snape’s wrists, neck and knees he’s pulled up into a standing position. His head still lolling like a puppet. He hangs a few inches above the ground, his limp feet dangling. I pick up Harry’s Cloak and tuck it in my pocket.

“Two of us should be chained to this.” Sirius says. Nudging Peter with his toe. “Just to make sure.”

“I’ll do it.” I say immediately.

“And me..” Ron says savagely, limping forwards.

Sirius conjures heavy manacles from thin air, soon Peter is upright again. His left arm chained to my right arm. His right arm to chained to Ron’s left. Ron’s face is set. He seems to have taken Scabbers true identity as an insult. Crookshanks leaps off the bed lightly and leads the way in front of us, out of the room. His bottle-brush tail high in the air.

If someone would see us, they’d have a very strange sight. A group led by a cat, me and Ron chained to Peter with a drifting Professor Snape behind us. His toes are hitting each stair as we descent. Sirius using his Snape’s wand for it accompanied by Harry and Hermione. We get into the tunnel with a few difficulties. In the tunnel I hear Snape’s head bumping on the low ceiling. Sirius probably does it on purpose.

Ron and I are silently listening to Sirius talking to Harry. When Sirius points out that he is Harry’s godfather, we look each other in the eyes. I hope Ron sees my happiness for Harry in my eyes. Because I feel very happy that Harry has found himself a member of his family. After that I hear Sirius offering Harry a new home and as I turn around I see Sirius smiling a true smile, when Harry happily says he wants to live with him.

Again I meet Ron’s eyes and we both smile brightly. It seems that the Dursleys are not the friendliest of people.

At the end of the tunnel Crookshanks apparently pressed his paw up to the knot on the trunk, because we can climb up without any savaging branches flying around. Behind me, Sirius is helping Snape through the entrance. At last, everyone is out of the tunnel. The grounds are dark and we head to the lights of the castle. Peter is still wheezing and whimpering every now and then.

“One wrong move, Peter.” I threaten him and keep my wand pointing at his chest. We keep walking.

Suddenly a cloud shifts. Dim shadows hit the ground as we are bathed in the moonlight.

I feel my limbs protesting, they stop functioning. I can’t move. I realise what’s happening, but I can’t speak. I can’t warn them, because of the pain. It starts from the core of my being and spreads through the rest of my body, like I’ve been stabbed. I am shaking. The knife rips me open from my heart to my arms and legs. I can’t bear the pain, I can’t bear the sight of the moon. And then.. everything turns black.


	7. Leaving Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes when life gets difficult, the universe decides to make it even more challenging..

When I wake up I find myself in a separate part of the Hospital Wing. I feel as bad as I did before I went teaching at Hogwarts. I slowly glance out the window, but my head hurts too much to sit up. It must be very early in the morning.

Madam Pomfrey must have set some sort of an alarm, because she enters the wing within seconds.

“Remus? How are you feeling?” She asks softly.

“Terrible.” I groan. “But it is my own doing. So I shouldn’t be complaining.”

“Nonsense, Remus. With everything that happened last night? You’ve been out there all night after trying to help our students. Let’s try and fix you up as much as we can, shall we?” She gives me a Pepperup potion. “Please drink this first, then I have some Healing potions for you. These might work better than they did months ago.”

I drink the Pepperup, which is a good start. Gratefully I drink the rest of the potions. I certainly feel better.

“Yes, this seems to work better than before!” I smile. “Thank you, Poppy.”

“It’s because you have more Wolfsbane in your system from the past months. Your recovery will be quicker thanks to that potion. Now, I’ll arrange a nice breakfast for you and inform Albus that you are awake. He told me that he wants to speak to you.” She says with a worried look on her face and turns to the corridor.

“Yes I can imagine.” I say sadly. A depressed feeling settles within me. I don’t know how to explain what happened to Dumbledore. I have nothing to back up my own story and I am embarrassed to have been such a reckless teacher. I haven’t changed since being a student. Suddenly a plate of breakfast pops up on the bedside table and now I am able to sit upright.

After my meal, Dumbledore enters the Hospital Wing. I don’t know how he does it, I don’t know how he is able to. But he smiles.

“Good morning, Remus. I hope Poppy has been able to help you recover quite a bit?”

“Yes, Albus. She has.” I can’t look at him. I want the ground to take me in and hide me in its darkness forever.

“I am so sorry you had to go through this again, Remus…”

“You are sorry?” I interrupt, amazed. “Whatever for? I am the one who mucked everything up, yet again. Please tell me I didn’t bite or kill anyone, last night.”

“No, Remus. Everyone is recovered.” Then Albus says sternly. “I know you blame yourself, but you shouldn’t. I’ve heard what happened. From Harry, Hermione and Sirius. You didn’t know that Peter Pettigrew was still alive and you did everything to help.”

“I should’ve told you about Sirius, Peter and James being Animagi. I should’ve told you years ago and everything could’ve..” I try to explain.

“..been different? I don’t know, Remus. But we can’t change, what happened. Not again, I’d say.” Albus finishes.

“Not again? What do you mean?”

“After you transformed, Remus.. Sirius went to look for Peter and ended up by the lake. The Dementors eventually found him, Harry and Hermione there. Before Harry passed out, he thought he saw his father conjuring his Patronus to save them. Professor Snape managed to bring everyone to the Hospital Wing and Sirius was captured. Though I had a word with him and he explained to me what happened, before the Ministry got here. Harry and Hermione confirmed his story. You should keep this to yourself, Remus. But I gave Harry and Hermione the chance to change some events for a little. They turned Hermione’s time turner back three hours, went back in time and saved Buckbeak. They eventually flew him up to the window where Sirius was locked up and rescued him before the Ministry and the Dementors came. Sirius managed to escape with Buckbeak, thanks to Harry and Hermione.. Also it turns out that Harry actually saw himself at the other side of the lake, saving everyone. If he didn’t learn the Patronus charm from you, Remus, I don’t know what would’ve happened out there. Harry managed to conjure a full Patronus in a sea of Dementors, this shows your skills in teaching, Remus.” Dumbledore smiles at me, but has a sad look in his eyes.

“And Peter?” I ask.

“Yes, well, unfortunately.. he escaped. Even with the use of the time turner it was impossible to catch him.” Albus says.

“If only I drank the potion..” I mutter.

“Yes, well there were some interruptions, don’t you think? You acted the best way you could. Let’s leave it at that, Remus. We can’t meddle with this period in time anymore, it’s done. Peter has escaped, but Sirius is safe and took Buckbeak with him.” Albus smiles, then he continues.

“There is another thing, I wish I could’ve changed with a time turner, Remus. Professor Snape was so caught in his own emotions, that he told people about your condition at breakfast this morning. I am afraid that it won’t take more than a few hours before the whole school knows. The fact that I told the Ministry that you tried to save the lives of Harry, Ron and Hermione, was the final straw for him.” The sad look grows deeper this time.

“Well, it was to be expected. Severus has been looking for any excuse to reveal my true status. I guess the curse of teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts, continues. Doesn’t it?” I give Dumbledore a small smile. I don’t want to show him how it hurts.

“Remus, you have been the best Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Hogwarts has ever seen. If it is up to me, I’ll do anything to let you stay..” Albus starts.

“No.” I interrupt him. “I will leave today. I can’t take anymore judgements, Albus. You have given me the best year of my life. But it was too good to be true. For the first time I felt like a normal, capable wizard in society. But that changes now.. it won’t be the same. I rather take this past year with me, with the memories I have of it now, rather then spoil it with the hate and disgust I would receive if I’d stay.”

“I cannot decide for you, Remus. But I expected you to say this. If you could only promise me one thing..” Albus says.

“Of course, anything Albus.” I say.

“Please don’t forget that I don’t blame you and I never did. Nobody blames you for anything. I know that you are a good man. You have such a kind heart and spirit, Remus. If only you didn’t take your hurt and anger out on yourself. You don’t need so many walls around you. I hope you’ve experienced that, this year. I hope you won’t forget, that you still belong to a family.”

I feel tears well up in my eyes, this time I am unable to stop them. I lack the words to reply.

“On another note.” Albus changes his tone and starts pacing around my bed. “Now Peter has probably returned to the Dark Side, or he’ll probably will very soon, I decided to slowly gather a new Order. I have a feeling it won’t be long before Voldemort returns.” He looks at me and seems to hesitate. “Right now, I have no information from the Dark side. The Death Eaters are still in hiding, or in Azkaban. But I think it is of the most importance that we keep an eye out for Peter and the dark creatures that accompanied Voldemort last time.”

“I will spy on the Werewolves, find out if they know anything. Maybe I come across Peter in the process.” I know this is what Dumbledore wants, this is what we need. This is the only useful thing I am left to do, from now on. I am certainly not looking forward to it. I know it’ll be hell..

Albus seems to sense my feelings or reads the look on my face, which must be obvious.

“I cannot send you away with nothing, like this Remus. You know I trust you completely. You will be able to enter the Hogwarts grounds through the forest, so you can still use the tunnel and the Shrieking Shack if you need to hide, recover or transform. As long as you write to me upfront about your plans and of course your findings. I will provide a better place as soon as I am able to and I will inform you about it as soon as I can.”

“Thank you, Albus.” I sigh. It’s a small relieve that I am still able to hide somewhere. Before this year, I had no such place to go and it took everything from me.

“But if you find that there’s nothing to gather from the Werewolves. Please make sure to get back as soon as you can. Don’t roam around looking for Peter. He’s way to difficult to find. Only do so if you have any lead as to where he might be. I want you to be safe as soon as possible, Remus.”

I nod and silently mourn the loss of new friends and comforts I found in Hogwarts. Albus seems to read my mind again.

“You shouldn’t be writing just to me, Remus. I know you’ve made friends here and you should definitely write to Sirius as well. I’ll make sure to send you an owl every few days, so you can use it to correspond.” Albus smiles. “I will send it with food from our kitchens as much as I can.” He adds.

“Am I allowed to write a letter to Harry? I feel like I should explain some more things to him, which I couldn’t do as a teacher.” I ask.

“Yes of course you can write to him, but I’m sure he comes to see you before you leave and you can tell him yourself. Now.. I still have to sort out a few minor issues with the Ministry, because of last night.” Dumbledore smiles and a twinkle returns in his eyes. “And of course, I have to meet with my staff about this and a certain, angry Professor.” He says cheerfully.

I can’t help but smile. I’d hoped that I could restore some of the issues with Severus this year. But it seems that after he entered the tunnel, he could only managed to see things in tunnel vision as well.

“We’ll be in touch very soon, Remus. Take as much time as you want to and we’ll meet again soon.”

“Yes, Albus. I’ll pack my things and say my goodbyes. I’ll be off in the afternoon.”

Again another sad smile from Dumbledore and then he leaves the Hospital Wing.

As I am feeling better, I slowly manage to get to my chambers and pack my things. It takes me just about an hour. I look around one more time, because I know I’ll never see this place again. Just for old times sake, I walk towards the mirror above the sink next to the bed.

“Do you have any last remarks for me?” I ask the mirror challenging.

“You looked very handsome yesterday, keep it up and you’ll have yourself a woman soon.”

“Well, thank you.” The mirror judges you on the outside, if it had known more of my inside, it would see that I don’t really prefer women. Though women can be beautiful, most of them are. But I don’t feel attracted to them, unless I haven’t met the right one. I turn around to put my stuff in the classroom, which I’ll pack later. I decide to take one last walk on the Hogwarts grounds in peace. The sun has only been up for a moment, but it looks wonderful outside. Maybe the views are able to quiet my mind a bit.

But as I get out it decides to go over all the memories I collected this year. As I step down from the stairs before the Entrance I think of the Final Exam I gave just yesterday. I think of Harry’s grinning face when he stepped out of the trunk, which contained a Boggart and how he blushed after I complemented him. I smile. Then Hermione pops up in my head, completely out of her wits after facing her Boggart. I laugh out loud. Gods how much I miss it already and I haven’t even left yet.

Hagrid’s hut is still dark. He must be having a hangover after celebrating Buckbeak’s freedom. I wonder where Sirius and Buckbeak are at this very moment. I gather they must have been flying all night and might sleep during the daytime.

As I get near the forest I think of Sirius hiding in there. This will be my sanctuary next. Maybe I am able to watch a Quidditch game from the bushes, if I am lucky. Then I might see a glimpse of Harry. Who will look after him now? Well he has a great bunch of friends, he will need them very much in his potions classes next year. Severus is a bullying bat, but he’ll be even worse after all that’s happened.

I stroll towards the lake and imagine Harry’s Patronus. I feel lucky to have seen it at the Quidditch match. A beautiful stag, the form of my best friend. I wonder what James would say about his son after the events of this year. He would be so proud, too proud. James could be so proud it would indeed turn to arrogance, as Severus always called him. But Harry is different, he’s brave, yes. His heart is pure and modest, like Lily. I will never forget his eyes. Eyes like an open book. They are indeed windows to his soul.

I stop next to the Whomping Willow, but keep a good distance from it. What a crazy turn of events. ‘I’ll see you soon.’ I think to myself. I am not looking forward to hide in Shrieking Shack again. Maybe I’ll stay in the forest. Maybe I am allowed to visit Hagrid, while I’m here.

Suddenly I realise I forgot to ask Dumbledore about the Wolfsbane Potion. But I realise that Snape will never brew for me again. How could he? He’d only do it, if he could add poison to the list of ingredients. That’s for sure. I realise that the upcoming time will be horrible. Even if I receive Hogwarts meals every day, I’m not sure If I will survive another year. I should think about something else. Then I hear a sound further away from me.

Pomona is opening her Greenhouses. I cast tempus and it’s only eight in the morning. I might as well greet her and say my goodbyes.

She waves at me as I get near her.

“Good morning, Remus!” She calls cheerfully. “Your up and about, early? Are you enjoying the morning sun?”

“Yes, I am. As a matter of fact my last one here.” I answer

“What?” Pomona exclaims. “What do you mean your last one here? Are you leaving Hogwarts?”

“It appears I must. I’ve had quiet the adventure last night and forgot to drink my Wolfsbane Potion.”

She gasps. “Oh dear, are you able to tell me what happened?”

It takes me an hour to explain her the whole story. It’s a relieve to tell her the outcome of the story about Sirius and Peter.

“I knew it! I knew it couldn’t be Sirius! Didn’t I tell you? My gut told me there was something off!” She seems to be as hyped up about it as I was in the Shrieking Shack, yesterday. Before I transformed.

“You were absolutely right, Pomona. It’s unfortunate, this part of the story couldn’t be altered with the time turner. I fear that there’s a new era ahead of us, one that isn’t very light.”

“You got that part right, Remus. But I can’t help but to feel angry towards Severus. How can he be so resentful and tell everyone about your condition?”

It takes me another twenty minutes to tell her the story of what happened to him, when he was a student. How we pranked him, how his life was on the risk when he entered the tunnel.

“Well, I always knew he is far more emotional then he seems to be. He conceals it well, but there happens to be an outburst every now and then. When he loses control over it. I know Harry appears to push exactly the right buttons, even though it is probably unconsciously done.”

“Yes, James did as well. He cannot separate the two. It was evident on my first day of teaching here. I could laugh about it then. But I am afraid Harry will have a difficult year ahead. At least in the potions department.”

“I will keep an eye out for him, Remus. Are you able to visit us at least?” She asks.

“Yes, at least I will be during my upcoming mission, to gather as much information as I can. Dumbledore has offered me the Shack and the forest to recover when I can’t be seen by students.”

“Please don’t hesitate to come by, I’m always up early as you can see. I am able to help you with your recovery and keep you up to speed about what’s happening here.”

“That would be great, thank you!” I smile sadly.

“You belong here, Remus. I still think it’s very unfair what Severus has done. Will he brew the potion for you at least?”

“Well it’s not something I’m inclined to ask him. I cannot expect that from him, unless it’s got some form of poisoning in it. He hated me when we were younger, but now.. “

“I’ll try and talk to Albus about it.” She interrupts. “He can’t just take your job away from you, but to take your health too? It’s unacceptable!” She gets worked up even more.

“It’s alright Pomona, that’s what happens to people with my condition. It’s always been like that.” I say calmly.

“That doesn’t make it right!” She exclaims.

“No.. I guess Albus will inform you and the rest of the staff any minute. I packed my things in my chambers. I’ve yet to do the classroom. I came to say goodbye to you.”

“It’s going to be a ‘See you soon’, I am not going to say goodbye. But I hope you take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. Because you need to accept help from people, from friends. Don’t wait too long and torture yourself. Will you promise me?”

“Yes.” I say hesitantly as I ponder her words. I know she’s right. “Yes, I promise.” I say firmly. I want to get through the upcoming mission as good as possible. So I might see Sirius again, maybe I’ll see Harry again too.

“Good.” Pomona says in a calm voice now. “Now go inside before you have to explain everything to everyone you come across in the corridors. I’ll go to the staffroom in a minute.”

“Thank you again, Pomona. I’m very lucky to have you as a friend.” I smile. She blushes and waves me away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Luckily, I meet no one on the way to my classroom, or, the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. It’s no longer my classroom, my office or.. my job. I finally had a job and it just took one year for me to muck it right up. There’s a knock on the door.

“Hi yeh, Professor.” Says Hagrid.

“Hello Hagrid.” I smile.

“I er… heard wha’ happened las’ night, from Dumbledore. I’m sorry to hear yeh leavin.”

“Yes, well. My kind isn’t very welcome to teach students. But now you’re here Hagrid, are you interested in the Magical Creatures I have here?”

“Blimey, yeh sure Professor?” Hagrid’s face lights up like a child that has just been offered ice-cream.

“Yes, well I am not a Professor anymore Hagrid and I cannot take care for these creatures anymore.”

“I know I shouldn’ feel happy after al that’s happened, but together with Beaky escapin’ I am feelin’ very lucky.”

“Yes I heard about your Hippogriff, I am glad he got off his sentence. Hagrid, has Dumbledore told you what I’m about to do? That you might encounter me in the forest next year?”

“Well.. he sorta said that you’d be on a mission, but o’course I’ll make sure your welcome in the forest. I’ll warn the Centaurs and they’ll spread the word.”

“Thank you Hagrid, that’ll be all. I hope to see you again.” I smile.

“Same to you, Professor, same to you.” Hagrid says as he heads through the door. I hear him whistling as he walks through the corridor.

As I am packing I find the Marauder’s Map, I was surprised to find it still in my chambers. Snape just left it there. I don’t know why he did it, the thing could be of great use to him. I decide to take a last look in it. After today it will be of no use to me anymore. I see Harry walking the corridor towards me and Ron, Hermione and Hagrid next to the lake. Harry knock on my door, even though it’s open.

“I saw you coming.” I say and smile at him as I point towards the map.

“I just saw Hagrid.” Harry says. He looks sad. “He said you’d resigned. It’s not true, is it?”

“I’m afraid it is.” I reply as I dump the content of my desk drawers in my suitcase.

“Why?” Harry asks. “The Ministry of Magic don’t think you were helping Sirius, do they?”

I walk towards the door and close it quickly. I don’t want to risk anyone snooping around anymore.

“No.” I reply. “Professor Dumbledore managed to convince Fudge that I was trying to save your lives.” I sigh. “That was probably why Severus accidently told people that I am a Werewolf.”

“You’re not leaving just because of that!” Harry exclaims.

I smile at him. It’s almost as if he’s James and is trying to sooth my worries, by saying this is just a furry little problem.

“This time tomorrow, the owls will start arriving from parents, they will not want a Werewolf teaching their children, Harry. After last night, I see their point. I could’ve bitten any of you.. that must never happen again.”

“You’re the best Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher we’ve ever had!” Harry says. “Don’t go!”

There’s a moment of silence and I shake my head.

“From what the Headmaster told me this morning, you saved a lot of lives last night, Harry. If I am proud of anything, its how much you’ve learned. Tell me about your Patronus.” I smile.

“How d’you know about that?” Harry says distracted.

“What else but a Patronus could have driven the Dementors back?” I smile at him proudly.

Harry tells me the last part of the story I’d missed because of my transformation.

“It’s funny that you thought you saw James. I think you did see him. You father was always a stag when he transformed.” I say. “That’s why we called him ‘Prongs’.” I say as I throw the last of my books into my case and turn to look at Harry.

“I eh, brought this from the Shrieking Shack.” I say as I give Harry his Invisibility Cloak. “And..” I take the Marauder’s Map from the desk. “I am no longer your teacher, so I don’t feel guilty about giving you this back as well. It’s no use to me, and I daresay you, Ron and Hermione will find uses for it.” I can’t help but wink at him.

Harry takes the Map back and grins as well.

“You told me Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would’ve wanted to lure me out of school… you said they’d have thought it was funny.” Harry says.

“And so we would have done.” I say as I close my suitcase. “I have no hesitation in saying that James would have been highly disappointed if his son had never found any of the secret passages out of the castle.” I say mischievously.

There’s another knock on the door and Harry quickly puts the cloak and map in his pocket.

“Yes, come in!” I call.

It’s Dumbledore. “Your carriage is at the gates, Remus.” He says.

“Thank you, Headmaster.” I says as I pick up my suitcase.

“Well.. goodbye Harry. It’s been a real pleasure teaching you, don’t hesitate to write me if you’d like to. I feel sure we will meet again. Headmaster there’s no need to see me to the gates, I can manage.”

“Goodbye then, Remus.” Dumbledore says soberly.

I give one last nod and smile to young harry and then I leave the school. It’s over. Now it’s really over.

As I step into the carriage I leave my heart on the Hogwarts grounds. I have no idea where to go, except for Gringotts. I’ll put my belongings in a safe and get half of the money I saved this year. Suddenly I remember, that as of right now only the people in Hogwarts know of my condition. That’ll change tomorrow…

I decide to spend one last night in the Leaky Cauldron, maybe I’ll catch up on some news from a wizard or witch there. I know Tom is always up to speed about any news. Maybe he’ll tell me, before he knows all about me tomorrow.

It’s good to have some sort of a plan. I can’t just go and look for signs out of the blue. I need to catch up on something first. If I’m still without signs or traces tomorrow, I might take a turn in Knockturn Alley. See if I can catch up on something there. I could’ve used Harry’s cloak for my mission, I realise. Well.. too late. I don’t want to explain to him, what I am doing anyway.

I arrive at the Leaky Cauldron an hour later, it’s still early but my stomach is growling. I’ve gotten used to the Hogwarts meals. I’m a spoiled wolf now. These things will soon change, I’m afraid.

“Hi there, Tom. Do you have a room available for me?” I ask as I enter the side of the bar. Tom is scrubbing the bar and smiles at me with his crooked teeth.

“Yes sir! Do you wanna stay for one night? Of longer?” He inquires.

“Just for tonight, a what time do I have to leave tomorrow, if I stay for one night?” I could use my morning to plan ahead.

“I don’t have many rooms booked tomorrow, so you can stay ‘till three in the afternoon. If that’s ‘right? Have you had lunch yet, I have some soup left. You’ll get it with your room.” He offers.

“Well excellent, I could use a good bowl of soup you make. Thank you, Tom.”

Tom hands me the key of my room and leaves for the kitchen. I take a seat next to the bar. It’s still early and no other guests are to be seen. My mind drift towards Hogwarts and I must remind myself to not think about it from now on. It’s over, it’s been a magnificent year. But it’s done.

Tom returns with a bowl of soup and some fresh pieces of bread.

“That looks wonderful, Tom. Thank you.” I smile.

“Have you come from Hogwarts, sir? Aren’t you a bit early for your leave?” He asks.

“Yes, well it’s better this way. I won’t be back next year, unfortunately. I guess the curse on the Defence Against the Dark Arts job, is still working.” I try to say it in a form of joke, maybe Tom will catch up on it.

“Well I always wondered about that. If it’s really a curse, wouldn’t it go away after a wizard dies?” He asks.

“Yes, that would be the case. Which makes me wonder if we might have Dark times ahead. My feeling says that we do.” I say casually.

“We should keep our eyes and ears open.” Tom says. He turns back to the bar and finishes his cleaning.

I have a last walk through Diagon Alley and try for a quick passing through Knockturn Alley. But it’s fairly quiet. Eventually after two hours I go back to my room in the Leaky Cauldron to see if I am able to sleep for a little bit.

When I wake, it’s eight in the evening. I feel more energized and head back to the bar to have dinner and a butterbeer. There a more guests having dinner and a few of them started to have their drinks at the bar. I choose a table in the corner that overlooks the tables, the entrance and the bar. Tom takes my order. He returns with my butterbeer and I pick up a Daily Prophet from another table. Who knows what’s in there.

As I am reading, more and more guests enter the bar and conversations grow louder. The Daily Prophet contains suspicions about Sirius Black and where he might be. At the bar I hear someone talking excitingly about the summer.

“This summer will be exciting! I managed to buy tickets for the Quidditch World Cup!” The other guest is as excited and hopes to find tickets as well.

I can’t spend my money on a ticket, but it would be the perfect event to pick up on signs or traces. Tom brings me my dinner and another butterbeer. I remain down in the bar until eleven, but there’s nothing interesting going on and the last hour was me nodding my head and starting to get sleepy.

Finally I give in and sleep until ten o’clock the next morning. When I have my breakfast an owl sweeps in. I wait until I’m back in my room to read it.

_Moony,_

_I’m sorry I couldn’t see you again after your transformation, I wanted to explain more. Tell you more. But you probably know what happened after you returned. Dumbledore knows our story now. I think he has plans for the future, but I didn’t have much of chance to talk to him either. I’ll be writing to him. Are you still in Hogwarts?_

_Padfoot_

As I start to write him back, another owl taps at my window. This time it is a bigger snowy owl. She’s beautiful and as I open the window she calmly hands me here leg to untie the letter. I thank the owl and apologize for not having any treats. She doesn’t seem bothered and finds a spot on the desk where I am writing to Sirius.

_Padfoot,_

_I left Hogwarts the day after the transformation. I am about to do, what I did before teaching. I’ll see if I can find any trace or sign about the dark and my fellow canines. I might as well be useful and gather as much information as I can. I have nothing else to do._

_If you hear something, please write to me. I can use a lead._

_Stay safe._

Then I open the letter, the snowy owl brought me. It’s from Harry.

_Dear Professor Lupin,_

_You told me that I could write to you, if I want to. Well, I am back at the Dursleys and I am longing for Hogwarts already. So I am actually glad you told me to write. This is my owl Hedwig, you can use her as much as you want. She doesn’t mind._

_Two days ago, I thought I could live with Sirius. But now I am back for a whole summer with the people who hate me the most. I admit I’m a bit disappointed, but Sirius is free! That makes it all worthwhile._

_You’d be happy to know I received a letter from him yesterday, on the train back to King’s Cross. He and Buckbeak are in hiding, but I don’t know where. It turns out he did sent me the Firebolt last Christmas, Hermione expected as much back then. We had a big fight over that. The owl which carried Sirius’s letter is a present from Sirius to Ron. It was quiet funny, the first thing Ron did was holding the tiny owl right under Crookshanks’s nose to check it out._

_To be honest, it was terrible to see you leaving Hogwarts. I have a feeling you belong there. Maybe it’s the same for me. Hogwarts is more of a home, then my actual home right now. I couldn’t sleep last night. I was wondering if you have a place to stay? What you’ll be doing next? I realised I know very little about you. Do you have a family to go to?_

_Maybe I can come and visit you during the summer? You know so much about my mom and dad.. I really enjoyed the stories you told me about them. Can I ask you about your time at school? I barely got the chance to ask about how you created the Marauder’s Map and how one learns to become an Animagus. Don’t worry I am not planning anything. But it would be great to turn into a tiny animal right now. Just to leave this house._

_I hope you’re alright._

_Harry._

I smile when I read about the Firebolt and Ron’s new present. I can imagine he’s a little traumatized by having Peter in his house for twelve years.

But Harry doesn’t like being back with his family. I know he said something about the Dursleys to Sirius in the tunnel back from the Shrieking Shack, but I never asked him about it. Didn’t Dumbledore arranged for Harry to be with them? He seems to be longing back for Hogwarts as much as I do. I wish I could go back with him in September.

I laugh at his questions, if I had a place he could stay as long as he’d like. I could finally tell him about every story he wants to hear.

_Dear Harry,_

_Of course you can write to me and you know I’m not your Professor anymore. You have a lot of questions that I couldn’t answer when I was still your teacher. I must warn you that in the future, I won’t be able to answer you as quickly as I am now. I stayed at the Leaky Cauldron for a night and I am about to leave after I finish this letter._

_I’m very glad to hear that Padfoot is alright. I’ll be writing him myself shortly. It is best if we stick to our nicknames in these letters don’t you think? You’ll find that things are about to change and I think we both agree that we don’t want anyone to know who writes these letters._

_Reading about Ron’s new pet, was quiet amusing. I’m glad his new owl was approved by Crookshanks._

_We didn’t have a chance to talk about the Dursleys? Are they that bad? Don’t you have any plans for the summer? Maybe you can stay at the Weasleys? I’d love to have you visiting me, but unfortunately I don’t have my own place. A wizard in my condition, without a job can’t possibly afford his own place. I don’t have any family left since the first war._

_I’ll try and write to you and answer your questions as much as I can. But unfortunately I cannot write you what I’ll be doing. Let’s just say that I do have a task. Aside from that you can ask me anything, Harry. But it’s very difficult to explain how we created the Map. I hope I’ll be able to show you one day. How to become an Animagus is something you might read about in a certain section of a certain library. You don’t know that from me. Please don’t try anything crazy, as much as you’d like to leave your current home._

_I’m so sorry I can’t help you with that right now._

_Take care,_

_Moony_

After I finished my reply I give both my letters to Hedwig. She hoots softly and leaves through the window. It will be another task to find paper and quills during my journey. We’ll see how that goes.

I leave the Leaky Cauldron and try to find some hints or signs in Knockturn Alley, for one last time. Then I head out and Apparate towards a forest where I found tracks the last time. Before I went to Hogwarts. Soon my energy levels and strength will go down and Apparition is not an option for me anymore. I better use it while I still can.


End file.
